


Love Is The Last Light Spoken

by AllTheseLittleWritings



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Comfort, Depression, Drinking, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, India, Love, M/M, Meditation, Partying, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Singing, Trust, breaking up, happiness, no one dies, recovering, under the sun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 01:19:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4285236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllTheseLittleWritings/pseuds/AllTheseLittleWritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU, where Louis is a singer of a popular punk band. He has a habit of partying too much. As a result, he has to take a break.<br/>Harry is a broken man, with a broken mind. He would need someone to be by his side.<br/>What happens when they meet under the hot Indian sun, meditate and maybe become friends?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Louis sits in a room with lightly colored furniture, in a spinning chair next to an oval shaped table. He holds his hands on the table and looks around himself frowning. He isn't sure why everyone were invited to come to a meeting, but at least now he is the only one there. Maybe he has a hunch of what the topic might be. But still he wonders where everyone else are. 

 

Louis draws his hands through his hair and ruffles them on top of his head. The strands have over grown a bit, but actually Louis likes the new style. At least it suits his image as a singer of a punk-pop-band. Louis taps his foot against the floor and hums aimlessly. New lyrics flow in his mind and he starts to rhyme them. ”Wish I had my phone with me”, Louis thinks to himself, but of course he left it home. He would've saved the words from his head for later, but now he might as well forget them.   
Last nights party is still fresh on Louis' mind. His head ache is only getting worse as Louis has to sit still. Louis groans as he wonders why did this meeting had to begin at 10 am. 

 

The door of the room opens behind Louis and his band mates, Liam and Niall, and the management team of their band walks in. The last to come in is Louis' publicist Allison, who nods her head to him. Louis looks at everyone, lastly his friends. Why everyone are so serious? They all look like someone had died. Or someone would be leaving. 

 

”I invited you all here to talk about the future of the band. Louis, this is actually mainly about you. We have noticed, that you've gone out a lot lately and perhaps you have noticed how much there has been articles on different tabloids and websites. It has also started to show in our ticket sales. We have to deny many rumors every week and they have gotten weirder and wilder by the rumor.” Allison tells everyone and looks at Louis with hard eyes. 

 

”Louis, this can't go on like this anymore. The press is getting the wrong image of you when you are out every evening and they get pictures of you smoking weed.” Allison says. Louis sits still and listens carefully. His private life isn't that wild how Allison depicts it to others. Liam and Niall look remorseful and hold their gazes to the floor. But Louis isn't carved from the same tree as them. He won't swallow this like he would've done something wrong. 

 

”Why only I'm hearing about this, when usually they have been with me?” Louis points towards Niall and Liam. He sees how Niall's cheeks turn red and he swallows dryly. 

”Why I have to make a difference with my ways? I haven't done anything dangerous!” Louis raises his voice. His blood boils under his skin. Almost every day Louis gets to hear from Allison, how he has been photographed drunk in some bar. Or how stories of him smoking weed with his friends are on some magazine covers. It has all been harmless to Louis. He would never put his own life in danger or start doing something irresponsible. Or start using some stronger substances. He knows what they can do. And Louis doesn't want to throw everything away just for having fun. 

 

”Because Louis, it has influenced you the most. Going out every night is starting to show in your performances.” Allison's calm voice echoes in the room. 

”What do you mean it's showing in our performances? On stage? Tell me one good example.” 

”Like last week, when you had to run off stage because you were so hung over that you had to go throw up.” 

 

Louis stays quiet. His mouth is a little open and he thinks back to the week before. They were performing in London, him and the rest of Burning Thought Addicts. The show went really well, they had sold out the O2 and the crowd was wild. They sang along and jumped to the rhythm of the music. Louis remembers how he took steps off the stage and heaved his insides out, his eyes brimming with tears. But he came right back on to the stage and continued singing like nothing had happened. 

 

”It was just that one time!” 

”What about when you told the audience a few weeks back, how drunk you still felt and after the gig you would go out for another round? Or this?” Allison throws a pile of gossip magazines on the table, Louis' face on every cover. ”Wild night for the party boy!”, ”Has the partying gone too far?”, ”Louis Tomlinson out again – his friends show worry over singers health” the covers whisper. Louis looks at Allison, at the magazines and then at his band mates. Liam and Niall exchange looks, trying to keep it unnoticed. 

”Say aloud what ever you want to say.” Louis comments to them. Liam faces Louis' cold blue eyes and swallows hard. He shrugs his shoulders to better his black leather jacket on his shoulders. 

”We have been thinking...” Liam stops talking and looks at the people around the table, his band and their team. 

”We have been thinking that you've changed. You aren't the same Louis, the happy person, who we knew when we started to play all these years ago. Maybe it's because of how popular we've become and how it stresses you sometimes. How you write almost all of our songs and you sing them. But maybe it would be good if you'd take a small breather, just for a while?” Liam doesn't want to be truculent towards Louis. He isn't afraid of Louis. They have known each other for a long time, for almost 15 years. They all have with Niall. But still he can't stop thinking how Louis might be thinking about him. 

 

”So you've been thinking about this together?” Louis asks calmly. Even though he would seem cool outside, the blood under his skin is in flames. 

”Not much. We've mainly been talking about what we've seen.” Niall joins the conversation. His dark brown hair is sticking upwards on his head and his blue eyes are wide. His cheeks are red, like he wouldn't really want to be having this conversation but everyone else made him join. 

”Now you want me to take a break. Maybe during my break you will talk some more and then you just end up throwing me out of the band! Thanks alot boys, thanks so very much!” Louis gets up from his seat and leaves everyone staring at his back, as he slams the door shut behind him. 

 

Why hasn't Louis seen everyone turn against him? They have all been out together. They have all smoked weed together. They have all drank. But nothing has ever happened. So what if some photographer has seen Louis in a bit more drunken state. He has never hurt anyone. 

 

Louis takes steps back and forth on a brightly lit aisle. He entwines his fingers in his soft hair and tries to take a deep breath. The air struggles to flow through his throat, him hardly getting any new oxygen in his lungs. Louis leans against a wall and lowers himself to sit next to it.   
Apparently his whole band has turned against him. 

 

”If you are here only to say that I need to take a break, don't bother.” Louis mutters to Niall, who walks towards him. Niall's pace is slow as he comes to sit next to Louis, Niall's arm brushing Louis'. 

 

Louis leans his head against the wall and rests his arms on his knees draped in black skinny jeans. He is beating himself up in his head for not taking a painkiller before he left here. His headache is only getting worse and it's not only because he was at a party last night anymore. It feels like a ghost was sitting on his shoulders and trying to squeeze his head with strong hands. 

 

”I don't want you to take any breaks.” Niall sighs. 

”Do you want one?” He asks Louis and offers him a cigarette. Louis looks at the packet in his hand and takes one between his fingers. Niall gives him light and Louis lights the cigarette, the head burning red. He takes a drag to his lungs and watches the glowing smoke. 

 

”Have you noticed changes in yourself?” Niall asks after a while, as they have sat together and smoked in the quiet hall. 

”Sure I'm tired and at least for one day I'd wish to be someone else. But I wouldn't change this to anything else.” Louis draws a circle in air with his hand and looks at Niall in the eyes. 

”Our band, us, are what I have. Why would I want to throw it away?” Niall looks at Louis and sighs. He sees the pain in Louis' eyes, hears the meaning behind his words. He knows that Louis only has the band in his life. It matters so much to him, as he doesn't have time or energy to go see his family up north. He knows that Louis only has the life that he is living now and it includes the band and trying to be an artist as well as he can. But he can also hear how tired Louis is, see how his hands are shaking slightly, while he tries to keep them steady. How he tries to take in deep breaths, but fails. How he needs something else in his life too.

 

”Would the break be so bad then?” 

”Why would you even ask that?” Louis blows smoke from his mouth. 

”Listen. I'm not saying this because I was for it or that it would be an option that would benefit us all. I can see how tired you are. I'm only suggesting a holiday for like two weeks? You'd be only with yourself?” Niall suggests with an easy tone in his voice, trying not to provoke his friend. 

”If I'd have a 'holiday', it would feel like I was giving up. And then those people in the room would get what they want. I'm not going to be a baby faced boy band member. We play more punk than pop for fucks sake. I am who I am and they have to take it.” 

”But don't you feel like your partying has gotten a little out of hand? You've seen what has been written about you and how people are saying that you are going to break this band up. I'm just being a realist, because it can happen. We aren't always there when you go out. And what if something would happen? What if you'd lose you temper in front of a paparazzi or you'd want to start a fight with someone? What would we do then?”

 

Louis has to admit that Niall maybe has some truth in his words. Louis turns his eyes towards the wall in front of them and sighs. 

”Just come back and listen what they are offering? The options aren't that bad. And in the end you'd be in your own peace.” Niall tries to persuade. When Louis turns to look at his friend, Niall has the most pleading puppy dog face as he can muster. Louis can only giggle. 

 

”Please come. If you don't like the suggestions, you don't have to say yes to any of them.” Niall continues and bats his eyelashes. 

”Okay, fine. But if I really don't like the ideas what they are telling me, I don't have to change my ways. At least not that much.” Louis holds his index finger up and shakes it in the air. 

”It's a promise.” Niall gives his hand to Louis and they shake them. Niall gets up first and helps Louis up, as Louis has his cigarette between his lips. 

”Where were you thinking to throw these?” Louis points at the still burning smoke and Niall gives a laugh. 

”Lets pull them down the toilet. No one will know we smoked here.” He says as they start to make their way towards the toilets. 

 

\- - - -

 

The conference room is in front of them. Niall is about to grab the door handle when Louis takes a hold of his arm. 

”Promise me, that what ever happens, you aren't going to throw me out of the band.” Louis asks with a hushed tone. Niall sees how panic haunts in Louis' eyes. 

”Don't worry. That would never happen.” He smiles and turns towards the doors. 

 

Louis takes a deep breath when they walk to sit in their old seats by the table. 

”Louis, we have a few options, that could suit this situation.” Allison says with that annoyingly calm voice that Louis hates. Always when Allison uses that tone, Louis feels like he was five and he was being thought the most important lesson in his life. 

”Fire away.” Louis says and stares Allison in the eyes. 

”First we are going to cancel your upcoming gigs.” 

”What!” Louis squeezes his hands together under the table so he wouldn't smash them against the table. 

”At least for the next couple of weeks. You can choose to go to the States where you can be fairly left alone. You can stay here and not be seen for the time you are supposed to be on your break. Or then...” Allison gets quiet and looks at the woman sitting next to her. Louis can't even remember the name of the lady. She has dark hair and light brown skin, her hazel eyes looking at Louis fearlessly. 

 

”Or then what?” Louis asks, ready to lose his temper. If they suggest some sort of rehab to him, he will walk out and never speak to their team again. 

”Mary had one more option that could work for you. But Louis, you should have an open mind for this. Don't shoot this down yet.” 

”Well what is it, so we'll know if I will shoot it down or not!”

 

Allison looks at Mary from under her brows and then clears her throat. 

”I've suffered from stress and anxiety attacks.” Mary tells instead of letting Allison speak. Louis looks at the woman with hard eyes and tries to figure out what she is trying to say.

”A friend told me about a temple in India, where people can go take some time off from their hectic lives. There every guest will have the support they need and everyone will learn how to listen to themselves and find their inner peace.” Mary shuts her mouth in to a tight line. 

 

Louis looks at her and burst out laughing. He laughs, waiting for others to join his giggles. But others around the table stay silent. Louis looks at them and gathers himself. 

”You are being serious. I'd go to India, to some temple?” Louis squeezes his brows together. He doesn't even know what to think. 

”I think it could be good for you.” Mary says confidently. 

”I'd be in some outback temple for two weeks?”

”It's a really beautiful place, not an outback. There's a lot of people so you wouldn't be alone and I promise it would be a great experience!” Mary smiles for the first time. 

 

”Okay, what ever.” Louis sighs after a while of thinking. Liam and Niall turn to look at him without believing their ears. 

”You'd really go to india?” Niall wonders aloud. As Louis watches the people around the table, dressed smartly and professionally, everyone looks like they would've never thought to have Louis say yes to India. 

”Yeah, If they are ready to send me to the US, why wouldn't I go a bit further away?” Louis asks and stands to his feet. 

”But even though I'm going where ever I'm going, I'm not leaving this band.” Louis looks at everyone on their turn, emphasizing his words. Everyone has to understand it. 

”Of course not. You're just going on a holiday.” Allison smiles. Louis can't stand hearing any other words from her, so he walks out of the room. 

 

Actually Louis wants to get as far away from everything as possible. That's why he said yes to the whole India proposition. Even though the idea seems a bit hippy to him, maybe it could be helpful. At least to the weird feeling of Louis not being able to breathe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning of anxiety and thoughts about suicide.

”Harry, it's nice that you spend time with us. We really like having you around. But we would like some time for ourselves too, okay?” A graying woman, Rachel, says to Harry, who is walking through their room's door. Harry stops in his place to listen to the words falling from the older friends lips. He stays to stand outside, his toes brushing the doorstep. He sees Robert smiling politely from the inside, his balding head slightly shining. Maybe Robert looks a bit apologetic. 

 

”Sure, I'll see you later.” Harry smiles. He tries to show them that everything is okay. Even though his mind is crumbling inside his head. Rachel places her hand on Harry's shoulder and squeezes it gently. The woman smiles, moving away from the door and closing it behind her. 

 

Harry stays still to ponder what he might do. Being in the temple has made him calmer, his loneliness has turned to feel bearable. His mind isn't racing all the time anymore. Like he should do million things at the same time. But in moments like these, when he has even small traces of loneliness, being rejected hurts like falling from a skyscraper. Sometimes he has thought about it too, if he would fall from somewhere high. Or if he could make the solitude go away by hurting himself in some other way. But Harry has always been too afraid to actually do anything. He is afraid of the eyes that could see the scars. He is afraid of the whispers he might hear. 

 

Harry turns away from the door after a long while, as Rachel or Robert doesn't come open it. He walks the steps slowly to the ground and starts to make his way towards the temple. People are scattered around the place, sitting somewhere, talking silently with each other, meditating or reading in the shades of the green leafy trees. Harry looks at them, trying to find familiar faces that he has met before. Harry has always been good with people, others tend to like him. But usually Harry has always been the one to care about people more than others have cared about him. Harry can't seem to find any friends.   
He doesn't know what he could do. 

 

Harry wakes from the steps of his apartment building, that lead to his door on the second floor balcony. His room is small, almost suffocating. There is a narrow bed, a table, a small dresser, a chair and a small bathroom. He usually only sleeps there, the place giving him time to walk around and talk with others. Harry didn't take his laptop with him and he has forgotten his phone somewhere in his rucksack. It has possibly run out of battery already. Very seldom he texts his friends, because they don't understand what Harry means when he says that he is lonely or why he is in India. It doesn't mean that he has to see his friends somewhere or that he should be in a large group. Those are the moments that he feels himself the most lonely. When he feels himself left out, Harry has always missed someone to be by his side, was it by a message or actually being there. Someone who could ask if everything was okay or just spending time with him. Harry doesn't need pointless words to express himself. Sometimes he just wants someone to care about him. 

 

Harry keeps his arms on top of his thighs, that are covered with black long shorts. A small breeze quivers inside of his white tank and on his skin. He stares the ground in front of him. A line of ants moves towards some greater world and some are carrying pieces to build a home. The sun perks through leaves and creates delicate shadows on the sandy road. A small wind swishes through the branches that move his hair. He focuses on his hands and arms that have tanned under the hot Indian heat. His few tattoos silhouette from under his skin. Harry remembers the moments when he took them. The few lines of words or the small key and padlock, or the cross on his hand. Those moments seem far away and meaningless as the people who were in his life. The people who are now long gone from his circle of people. And those people were actually never his real friends and he had to learn it the hard way. Now he is just missing someone without a face. Someone new who could make the pain go away. He wants to feel himself safe and cared about. 

 

”Everyone will be a part of the food making? What if you aren't gifted with food making skills? If I tell you that I eat cereal for lunch every day, would it change your mind about me helping in the kitchen?” Someones voice echoes from the downstairs terrace. Harry moves a couple of steps down so he can see the newcomer. It's a young man, maybe a few years older than Harry. He has soft brown hair that moves in the warm air. He is small compared to the voice he can make. He walks with confident steps next to one of the workers of the temple, Devika. She smiles and shakes her head. 

 

”Everyone will participate to help our community that we have here. It's part of the program.” Devika tells with her gentle English, that has shades of an accent.   
The man only nods and presses his mouth in to a tight line. He is wearing a black sleeves shirt that reveals his tattoos on his chest and arms. His black tight jeans and Vans on his feet, he carries a hoodie on his hand clearly tired from the warmth and possibly from a long journey. He has a backpack on his back and he drags a suitcase behind him. Harry looks at the man and tries to figure out who he is. He does have familiar features, but Harry is sure that he hasn't seen him before. 

 

”Hello Harry.” Devika greets and smiles. Harry didn't even notice that Devika saw him, because he was so concentrated to the new man, who is possibly going to live downstairs from Harry. 

Harry's green eyes get caught to those blue eyes, when he turns to look at Harry on the stairs. 

”Hello.” Harry's voice is small. He has two options. He could go to his own room and pretend like he wasn't caught staring. Or he could go and greet the newcomer properly. 

 

”How are you?” Devika's voice continues gently, making Harry loose the strands of thoughts. She takes out keys from the depths of her sari. She opens the door to the man, who is clearly waiting for Harry's answer. His eyes are playful, but serious. 

”I'm fine. I'm waiting for the meditation.” Harry tells them. He bites his cheek forcefully as he sees the blue eyes watching him curiously. 

”It's not long now until it begins. Maybe you could show Louis how to get to the temple when you are going?” Devika sounds happy as she points at the man with her hand. 

”Sure.” Harry tries to keep his eyes on Devika, and not on the man next to her. 

”Excellent. I'll see you there.” Devika smiles before she steps inside the room with the man, Louis, behind her. Harry turns back to look at the ants on the ground. Their pace is as slow as it was before, their line unbroken and trailing little waves. 

 

Devika's voice reaches Harry quietly but Louis' voice echoes clearly and booms around Harry. Harry presses his head against the railing of the stairs and closes his eyes. He breathes calmly and closes the sounds from around, from the animals and the house, outside. But he doesn't close Louis' voice out. It seems familiar. It's like Harry has heard his voice before, almost as if they've been in the same room before. But Harry can't collect his memories and find the man from them. As Harry's head starts to ache from the overthinking, he lets every sound slide out from his mind and body. He is in his own little world where he barely fits. 

 

”Hi.” Harry hears from extremely close. He wakes to reality and opens his eyes. Harry meets that blue gaze that is looking at him. The man stands in the end of the stairs, leaning his hand to the railing and keeping his other foot on the first step. 

”I'm Louis.” He says and smiles with a glint in his eyes. 

”Harry.” He watches Louis' eyes and the wrinkles by them as he smiles. Harry looks at his cheekbones, his arms and the curve of his body. 

”Have you been here for long?” Louis asks and takes a hold of the railing with both of his hands. 

”A few weeks.” 

”So you know how everything works here? That woman, what was her name...” 

”Devika?” Harry fills the blank space in Louis' memory. 

”Yes, Devika. She said that I could ask you all kinds of things, as you are here?” Louis suggests and raises his brows. 

”Fine.” 

”Good!”

They both look at each other. Harry is the first one to direct his eyes away. Louis' presence invades his insides, trying to steal space in him. The space is in Harry's loneliness, that Harry doesn't want to touch. Which Harry doesn't want especially anyone else to touch. Actually Harry has never felt like someone could take space from the darkest spots in his mind. He can only now realize it. 

 

”What reason are you here for?” Louis asks. He moves his fringe from his forehead with his fingers. 

”I came here to search myself.” Harry tries to avoid talking about himself to Louis. He doesn't want a stranger to know anything more about him other than his name. 

”Oh, okay. I was sent here, or my band and our team wanted me to make a decision. So I chose to come here.” Louis tells happily, his voice still chiming in the stairs. A band and a team, Harry thinks. 

”You are a singer?” Harry doesn't want to make a fool out of himself and start to place Louis in a band that he wouldn't be in.

”Yeah.” Louis' smile falters a bit, his eyes still staying strong. 

”What band?” 

”Burning Though Addicts” Louis tells and turns his eyes away for the first time. Like he was somehow embarrassed to admit that he is in a well known band. The pieces in Harry's mind lock together as he remembers his sister, Gemma, listening to Louis' band sometimes. When they were driving somewhere, Gemma would ask him to turn the music louder if their song came on the radio. Or how Gemma would hum their song when she thought that she was alone. Harry nods his head and fondly thinks about his sister, forgetting Louis in front of him. 

 

”I think that we have to go. To the temple that is.” Harry says after a while, when they haven't come up with anything else to say. 

”Show me the way, mate.” Louis chuckles. Harry stands up and wipes dust from his shorts. He walks the last remaining steps down, keeping a distance to Louis. 

”How many times can you go to the temple a day?”

”It depends on how many times you like to go. The first guided meditation is at seven in the morning. The last is at ten in the evening. Every other hour there is a guided meditation but you can go when ever you feel comfortable. You don't have to go there every time there is some organized thing going on.” Harry takes calm steps ahead, listening to his and Louis' feet hitting the ground. Harry is only wearing sandals but Louis still has his Vans on. 

”How many times do you meditate in a day?” Louis continues, his accent intense on every syllable. 

”Three or four times a day. Maybe it's good if you'd go at first to the guided meditation so you get used to the situation.”

 

Louis stays quiet and walks next to Harry. There is a gap between them that feels unnatural to Harry. The sun is burning his skin. Harry thinks to himself that he should've put on some sunscreen before leaving. 

 

”Is that the temple?” Louis points his hand towards a building that they are walking towards to. It's a bit more taller than the other buildings and the roof is held up by many pillars. There are already people sitting on the floor of the temple ready to relax. Harry nods and breathes deeply. He feels the peace that flows towards him from the structure. Like he could breathe after a long time. 

 

Louis is silent next to Harry, coming a little closer to him. Harry watches Louis from the corner of his eye, seeing that he is a tad bit shorter than him. Louis' eyes scan the place, his mouth slightly open. His chest moves under his breaths. Harry moves his eyes down his body, seeing Louis twiddling with his fingers.   
They walk the few steps in to the temple. The leaves from the trees make sounds under the roof and it mixes with people breathing. Harry walks to one of the pillars to get light mats for himself and Louis so they can sit on them. He offers it to Louis, who is looking at the people.

 

Louis doesn't fit the moment in his tight jeans and punk-style. He looks like he could take out a skate board and leave without looking back. But his eyes are searching something that he doesn't already own. 

”Is everything okay?” Harry asks lowly, as Louis keeps searching for a place for himself in the tight group of people. 

”Yeah, the vibe is a bit...” He doesn't finish his sentence as it gets lost in the surroundings. His voice is suddenly very low, like it was adjusted from a button. 

 

”Where are you going to sit?” Louis asks turning towards Harry. 

”Somewhere in the back. Maybe you need to sit in the front so you can see what the instructor does?” Harry shapes his command in to a question so Louis wouldn't sit next to him. So it would seem like a good advice for a person who is meditating for the first time. In reality Harry doesn't want Louis to be so close. If Harry already feels like Louis was invading his loneliness, what could it feel like, when Harry was going to let go of his barriers and shackles. 

 

Louis walks in to the front row and sits on to his mat. Harry sees how he is looking around and trying to take example from others. Harry sits cross-legged, puts his hands on his knees, his palms facing the roof and keeping his back straight, his chin a little lifted. He closes his eyes and breathes. 

 

How is Louis doing? Has he found a comfortable sitting position?   
Harry opens his eyes and finds Louis already looking at him. Or actually his posture. Louis sits uncomfortably, his tight pants preventing him from relaxing. Louis doesn't see Harry looking at him. Louis turns his face in front and Harry stays to stare at the back of his head. Maybe Harry should've let Louis sit next to him. Now he feels like Louis is too far away. Louis might've been someone who he could've spent some time with if there wasn't anyone else around. 

 

The guru walks in front of everyone and sits down. He greets everyone and says some mantras before he guides everyone through the meditation and begins. Harry closes his eyes again and leaves everyone outside again. Slowly he lets go of his boundaries and feels how a calming breeze washes over him taking parts of his anxiety and fears away. The air flows in his lungs and cleans them. The time loses its meaning and everything around him becomes secondary. 

 

Everything ends too soon. Harry has to open his eyes when he feels like he has held them close just for a few moments. He breathes and feels his lungs shutting down again. He looks around himself slowly and sees Louis looking at his hands on his knees. He moves his fingers slowly and then he looks at everyone else. Something glimmers on Louis' cheek, tears? For the first time when Harry meditated, he cried too. But he would've never believed to see tears on Louis' skin. He seems too confident, too strong to cry. Even though Harry doesn't know the man, he still amazes Harry. 

 

People start to get up, taking their mats to their own places and leaving. Louis doesn't move, he sits still. When nothing happens, slowly Harry starts to make his way towards the apartments. At times he turns to look back at the temple, only to see Louis motionless. 

 

Maybe Harry would've wanted to know what Louis thought or what the experience was like to him. Maybe he would've wanted to talk more with the new acquaintance. And maybe he could've gotten to know him. But yet again he has pushed someone so far away from himself that there is no turning back, Harry thinks. Like it was the complete truth, not a lie made by the anxiety in his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

Louis lays on his back in his dark room. He would've never thought, how he could feel in a place, where there is nothing else than people and breathing. Not his friends, no parties to go to, no drinking, no music, no paparazzi. He imagines going back to London, where his moves wouldn't be followed. It would be a dream come true that won't happen. 

 

It's three in the morning and Louis can't sleep. Something is keeping him awake. He isn't feeling uneasy or like he would need to do something to fall asleep. He feels very rested and he can be still, not doing anything. But there is something bothering him. Louis knows that he hasn't been in much contact with the other people in the temple. He has just focused on himself and the time that has stopped. He thinks that it might be his fourth morning in India, but he isn't sure. He has started to recognize some faces here and there. Especially when he has made food with some people for the others. Louis has gotten the easier work, like chopping carrots or tomatoes. But never boiling anything or seasoning. It has only been a good thing. It might have been possible, that no one would've eaten on those days, if Louis would've been making the food.

 

The curly haired man, Harry, has been drawn to Louis' eyes. Louis hasn't talked with him. He hasn't even bumped in to him on accident, even though he lives upstairs. Sometimes Louis has seen him from far away with some older couple. But Harry has always walked behind them. Like he was with them just because he didn't have other people to be with. And then Harry has disappeared again. 

 

There was something in him, something interesting, something broken and it made him quiet. Louis thinks back to the moment when he met Harry for the first time. His green eyes couldn't stop staring at him. Of course Louis can't know what Harry thought. But there could've been something more than only recognition. The feeling of thinking about Harry makes Louis feel warm, his toes curling under his light blanket. Something in Harry's eyes left a mark in Louis, like he would need to be next to Harry. To be his friend. But Louis has been too afraid to approach him and Harry has always been so far away. And now Louis only has a bit over a week left in India.   
It comes 4 am. Louis has held his eyes shut but he hasn't drifted to sleep. The birds sing on the other side of the window and a peacock says something in the distance. The silence makes every other sound clear and crisp. Like the steps, that someone takes outside. Someone is outside! Louis rushes out of bed and goes to the window, if he could see who it is. A tall shadow disappears behind the corner of his house. 

 

Louis quickly throws a t-shirt on from the dresser and his sweats that he cut from above the knee, when he was feeling too hot one day after meditation. Louis wonders for a moment, if he should wear shoes. The sandals next to the door look too inviting to turn his back to them. Louis combs his hair with his fingers and opens the door. The air is fresh and quiet after a rain that beat the temple last evening. The weather is cooler for the first time and Louis feels how his skin isn't used to the changed temperature. He takes quick steps towards the corner of the building and goes around it. Louis hasn't been in this part of the yard before but finds himself standing on the back yard that has a huge swimming pool with some bushes surrounding it. It rounds on the yard, making it shaped like a collection of soap bubbles. The water glimmers in the rising sun that peaks through the trees. Someone is floating on the water, his face towards the bottom of the pool. He is muscular and tall, his dark hair floating around his head on the water. He isn't moving, he looks almost lifeless. Like he would've laid in the water for ages. 

 

Louis gets a bad feeling. How can someone float on water without making any moves to get new oxygen in their lungs. And that man isn't just someone, it's Harry. The man who looked so lost on those steps on the first day when Louis arrived.   
Louis pulls his shirt over his head and drops his pants down his legs with his sandals. In just his boxer briefs he jumps in the water. The water splashes around him. Louis kicks himself to the surface and sees Harry's frantic face looking at him. Louis stills, ending his attempts to save Harry. 

 

”You okay?” Louis asks Harry, tilting his head to the side a little. Harry holds his hand on his bare chest and catches his breath. His cheeks color light pink. He only nods and swallows. 

Louis swims slowly to Harry and takes his hand to his. He moves his fingers from Harry's palm to his wrist to find his pulse. It vibrates under Harry's skin, rapidly and strong. 

”I guess I scared you?” Louis lifts his brows and holds his voice quiet. Harry's hair has stuck to his forehead and the sides of his head looking like a thin helmet. 

”A bit.” Harry breathes out and clears his throat. He watches Louis' hand on his wrist. 

”You seemed like something had happened to you. If the situation had been just that, I would've been ready to do everything to save you.” Louis smiles and lets go of Harry. He swims a little farther to give Harry space. 

”Thank you.” Harry says and puts his hands under water, moving them to keep himself afloat. 

 

”Are you even allowed to swim here at this time?” Louis asks, when Harry has swam few laps around the pool, Louis floating on his back in the middle of the water. 

”No, it's opened after six.” Harry answers out of breath. His speed has been hard as he has kept himself moving. 

”Then we are in trouble.” Louis chuckles and starts to swim towards the edge of the pool. 

”Why?”

”Someone is walking on the other side of those trees.” Louis whispers and points towards a line of trees that surround the back yard. He lifts himself up from the water and bounces to sit on the edge. Harry is right behind him and waits for Louis to stand up. Louis helps Harry out by giving him his hand and pulling him. Harry puts his other hand on the edge and looks over his shoulder to see who it could be. At the same time he helps himself by prizing himself on the edge to get out from the pool. 

 

They take their clothes, Louis from the tiled ground and Harry from one of the sun chairs. They start to run towards the way they came from. 

”Shit.” Louis exhales when he sees someone walking around the corner of the building. He turns around and grabs Harry's hand, taking running steps towards the other corner. Harry doesn't ask anything, when Louis guides them to the other direction. 

Their steps thud lightly against the soil. Louis' hold of Harry's hand is strong and it seems like Harry couldn't keep up with him. Still they run together, small drops of water shaking from their hair to their shoulders. 

 

Louis stops to see if there are others on the front of the house. When he is sure that he is alone with Harry, he continues his run to his own door, still dragging Harry with him. He opens the door and pushes Harry inside and follows him, pushing the door closed behind him. Panting Louis leans to the wall and holds his clothes in his hands. Harry has his back towards Louis, almost hugging himself. 

 

”Do you want a towel?” Louis asks while dropping the clothes to the floor and walking to his small dresser. 

”I have my own.” Harry says. When Louis turns around to look at him, he takes his towel from the bundle of clothes he is holding. 

”Is everything really okay?” Louis asks while he rubs the towel against his head. His hair comes out pointing in every direction. Harry looks lost and unsure, his eyes drifting around the room. 

”I just feel a little weird.” He says, drying his hair gently. 

”Weird like sick weird?”

”Not physically, but just bad.” Harry sighs. 

 

Louis can hear from his voice how hard it is for him to breathe. Louis walks towards the taller male and guides him to his bed. 

”Maybe you could sit down. Have you felt like this before?”

”That's why I'm here.” Harry holds his towel tightly in his fists, close to his stomach. 

”Oh.” Louis looks at him with soft eyes, not coming up with anything else to say. He watches at Harry's heavy eyes, that stare at his lap. 

 

”Do you need anything?” Louis tries to keep his voice soft. He doesn't know what Harry might be feeling, or how to handle his feelings. But he isn't blind. He can see how hurt Harry is. If Louis would touch Harry's skin, it could break in to pieces like the world's thinnest porcelain. 

”Company.” Harry fails to keep his voice even, it breaking in the air. 

 

Louis nods and sits next to Harry. When his days to leave to the temple neared, Louis was almost sure that it was like a rehab center. But these few days have showed that the people are just normal like him. People who are trying to find balance between life and themselves. Louis hasn't really understood why some have come here when they seem to be just fine. Louis has some fears that he doesn't want to go through, even though the environment would be the calmest and most open. Those few people have seemed like they don't have any worries in their lives, no pressure, no fears, nothing that could take them down and hold them there.   
But Harry. Harry is fighting for his life. He is fighting with the decisions how he should live it, how he is going to survive to the next day. 

 

”Are you always alone?” Louis dares to ask after a while. 

”Not all the time. I don't really have anyone here who I could spend time with. So usually I am.. alone.” Harry says the last words quietly, his voice raspy. 

”You should've come here, spend time with me. I don't have anyone here either!” Louis tries to cheer Harry up and pokes Harry's shoulder with his finger. A small fade of smile dances on his lips, but goes away as quickly as it appeared. 

”I don't know you Louis.” Harry notes. 

”It doesn't matter.” Louis smiles and tries to get a reaction out of Harry, leaning against his arm just the slightest. Harry looks at Louis from the corner of his eye, and something gets his brows to knit together. 

”Why do you care?” He asks Louis and makes his smile falter away. 

”Because everyone is important. Why wouldn't I care, when you were the first one I met here and I guess the only one that I actually speak with. If you don't count the staff.”   
Harry blinks a few times and takes his eyes away from Louis.   
He leans back and lays on his back on Louis' bed. 

 

”I'm really lonely.” Harry admits.

”It's so oppressive and tiring. Even though you'd have a lot of people around you, the most important people around you, you are still alone.” Harry continues and closes his eyes.

”When was the last time you slept soundly?” Louis asks and watches Harry's colorless face and the dark shades under his eyes. 

 

”I can't even remember.” Harry hums. Louis can't compose the right words to say or the right thoughts to help him understand. He can only watch Harry and be next to him. He can almost feel the walls Harry has around him. Louis would want to break them, to let Harry free. But he doesn't have the right tools or the right words or actions. 

”If you'd want, you could stay here to sleep. I think I'll take a nap too, so maybe that could help with the loneliness?” Louis suggests considering his words carefully.

 

Harry opens his eyes and they look towards the ceiling.   
”I can go..” He begins, but Louis puts his hand on his arm. 

”No, stay. Maybe you'll get some sleep when someone is with you. You aren't the only one who has felt that way.” Louis explains swiftly and hopes Harry can't hear the desperation in his voice. Being with Harry does make him feel somehow more whole, that Louis almost needed someone to be by his side too. 

 

Louis realizes how absurd the situation is. Louis feels how there is something in Harry that draws him in. Louis hasn't even realized how much he has thought about Harry, with his curly long hair and his few little tattoos. But now he sees it, when Harry is laying next to him. Harry doesn't answer but he closes his eyes, clearly relaxing against the mattress.   
Louis leaves a gap between them and lays down. He follows Harry's breathing turning heavier with every inhalation. When Harry was in the pool, his face down, his hair uncontrollable, his limbs spread on the water, Louis got a fear that something might happen to him. That Harry is in distress that he doesn't know how to unravel. 

 

Harry's hand is next to him. The towel he was holding earlier is on his stomach. Louis looks at him and weighs his thoughts. They take control of his mind and guide Louis to touch the back of Harry's hand with his fingertips, just a light touch like a feather. Harry doesn't flinch away, letting Louis trace calm pictures to his skin.   
The moments pass. Louis finds himself holding Harry's hand. He squeezes it gently and gets a squeeze from Harry as an answer.   
Louis smiles and closes his eyes, holding Harry's warm skin against his, their fingers entwined with each other.


	4. Chapter 4

”Devika!” Louis runs to catch the Indian woman, his backpack tightly on his back, his Vans on his feet. Devika turns around hearing her own name said and smiles, when she sees Louis approaching her. 

”Louis, how are you?” Devika's calm voice greets Louis. 

”Good, you? Um, actually. Is it possible to have something to eat from here to go? I'm making a surprise for a friend and I thought if we could go for a picnic or something. Do you happen to know any places where it would be best to go for a picnic?” Louis asks in one ramble, his voice breathless. 

 

”Is this friend of yours perhaps Harry? I've seen you to spending time together?” Devika's laughter fills the air. Her eyes crinkle from the edges, the sun taking home on her skin and lighting her soul. 

”Maybe..” Louis rubs the back of his neck and fears that the blush from his chest and neck is going to rush up to his face. 

 

Louis has spent most of his free time with Harry. Since he spoke with him in Louis' room after spending time in the pool, Louis has wanted to be by Harry's side, giving him the company that he really needs. He has taken a task of getting Harry happier and to drive away the loneliness. Louis doesn't want to see the Harry who is in pain. 

 

Harry rarely smiles or laughs. Sometimes something visits his face that would even imply happiness. But his shadows lose it to the place that is reality to Harry and his darkness. Maybe Louis has already seen a piece of that Harry, who he was before the ghosts took over his mind. Louis would want to think that he has made something good happen in Harry. 

 

”I think that there are some fruits that the kitchen can give away. The rest we are going to use for the food. And there is a park, that could be pleasant? You can borrow bikes from here so you get there easily.” Devika suggests and gives Louis the route to the park. Louis nods and draws a map in his mind with Devika's words. 

 

\- - - -

 

Louis watches his hand that raises to knock on Harry's door. For a moment it hovers in the air, his knuckles only brushing the wood of the door. Louis has some fruits, water bottles and a blanket in his back pack and they weigh his shoulders. 

 

Finally Louis encourages himself to knock the door, the sound echoing in the balcony. For a while he has to wait until he hears steps from the other side of the door, getting closer to him. Harry opens it, his hair a mess over his head, his eyes sleepy. He is wearing shorts and a tank top, just the right clothes for the hot and humid climate. 

 

”Hi! Put your shoes on and lets go!” Louis exclaims, his eyes sparkling with joy. He tries to hide his nervous thoughts with his loudness, that bubbles from inside for other people to see. 

”Hi? Where are we going?” Harry's voice rumbles from his mouth. 

”Were you napping?” 

”Not anymore.” Harry gives a depressed laugh and tames his curls with his fingers. 

”We are going for a picnic. I know a place, so please wear your shoes and lets go.” Louis persuades and bumps his fist gently against Harry's shoulder. Louis heart takes an uncomfortable rhythm from the touch, that he tries desperately chasten with thoughts of seeing Harry only as his friend. 

 

”Okay. What do I need with me?” Harry asks and bends down to put his trainers on. 

”Nothing, I already have everything we need.” Louis starts to make his way towards the staircase. Harry steps out from his room and closes the door after him. 

”How are we going to go anywhere?” Harry's mouth forms the words as Louis races in the stairs. 

”I have my ways!” Louis says with laughter in his voice. 

 

They walk without words towards the gates of the temple. People walk through it to enjoy the peace, that the place has to offer. Louis tries to see the bicycles they were promised. Against the wall of the gates stand two rusty looking bikes that look like they have been kept in the back of some shed for a good time. Louis walks the last footfalls towards the bikes and grabs the other. 

”You call this your way?” Harry's voice has a teasing tone. 

”Hey hey. Even though they look shabby, it doesn't mean that you couldn't get from place to place with them.” Louis turns to look at Harry, who stands next to him. His eyes are shining and he has a sweet shade of pink tinting his cheeks. 

”Well show us the way!” Harry takes his bike and moves to sit on it. He starts to ride it in a circle in front of the gates, Louis watching him.

 

Louis sits on the saddle and starts to ride towards the direction that Devika told him to. The road leads them through a road that is surrounded by huge trees and it seems to go on forever. Harry sometimes speeds up to drive past Louis. Louis watches after him, his curls flowing in the wind like he was on a ship and he was watching waves on the deck, the salty wind hitting his skin. Harry's mouth has curled to a beautiful smile, that grows with the speed of his bike. For the first time Louis actually sees him smiling. The warm feeling spreads in his chest, when he thinks that he might have helped Harry to smile. 

 

Louis sees a crossroad in front of them and remembers the imaginary map he drew when he was talking with Devika. Harry races past him and keeps on driving straight even though they are supposed to turn left. Louis brakes and stands still, his feet brushing the ground. He watches as Harry keeps on going in the middle of the road, wind in his hair. He has his head held high. Louis can imagine, how Harry breathes in the air that blows on his face.

 

”Harry!” He yells after the man and makes him stop. Harry turns to look at Louis and when he signs Harry to return, he turns around and comes to him. 

”Is something wrong?” Harry asks, his face turning grave. It looses the shine that Harry had just a moment before. Louis knows that Harry must be thinking that he is going to leave him alone or change his mind. 

 

”We have to turn this way.” Louis smiles, sympathy in his voice. He doesn't want to show Harry, how much he actually cares about him. How much he thinks about him. How much he adores Harry. How much he means. He doesn't want to scare Harry away. But Louis knows that he is showing some of the feelings outside because he can't contain it anymore. 

 

”Oh, okay!” Harry chuckles and the dark thoughts leave from shadowing his face. 

 

They keep riding their bikes, until Louis sees them going past a fenced area. This has to be the place, he thinks to himself. 

”I think we are here.” Louis says and gets up from the bike. He walks the bike forward, Harry still going a little ahead. He stops in front of a small gate and puts his feet to the ground.

 

”Is this the place you were talking about?” Harry asks and looks inside from the gates. 

”At least I think so.” Louis' voice muses. They walk in from the gates in to a beautiful garden that is full of flowers, tall blooming trees, singing birds and tender rays of sun.  
They admire the surroundings. Only the rustle of their feet and the ticking of the bikes is a sign of their presence. 

 

”Why did you bring me here?” Harry asks as they explore further in the garden. 

”I wanted to see what's outside the temple and thought that maybe you'd be interested to come with me. This is like a picnic or something.” Louis watches a peacock sitting in a tree. 

”Or like a date.” Harry says under his breath. 

”What?” 

”Nothing! If you thought for us to sit somewhere, there is a pond and grass that looks good for a picnic?” Harry suggests and shows a small area to their right that is surrounded by trees. 

”Looks good!” 

 

There aren't that many people or then they are all staying very quiet. Some walk past them and everyone smiles to Harry and Louis. Harry greets them with his pleasant voice and everyone nod back to him. 

”Why are you so nice to everyone?” Louis watches Harry from the corner of his eye. 

”If I'm nice to others, maybe they are nice to me too. Even though that hasn't always happened, still I want to spread only good around me. Not something that could hurt.” Harry explains, shrugging his shoulders, looking in front of him like it was just a simple thing. Like it wasn't a big deal for Harry, to not be judged by others. Like he wouldn't have been hurt so many times because people have let him down and he has just been nice to them. 

 

They leave their bikes to lean against a big tree and walk closer to the pond, their feet brushing the grass. Louis walks before Harry and as Harry catches up to him, he has taken off his shoes, carrying them in his hand. 

”What have you planned for our picnic?” Harry asks, as Louis puts his backpack to the ground and bends to go through it. 

”I have some fruits with us, so we can eat those? And what ever comes to mind.” Louis smiles to Harry, who is still standing in front of him. Louis takes the blanket and spreads it on the grass, sitting on top of it. He digs for the bananas, papaya and mangos, that he sliced in the kitchen and puts the containers on the blanket. 

 

Harry looks at their snacks and sits opposite from Louis. He doesn't say anything, when he takes the containers in his hands and opens the lids. 

”Thanks.” Louis says as Harry puts the fruits between them. 

”Thanks to you, for bringing me here.” Harry takes a piece of mango in his mouth and smiles to Louis. 

 

\- - - -

 

”You haven't sang I Will Survive in karaoke!” Louis laughs when Harry is standing in front of the blanket. 

”You bet I did! It was when my sister was still living in London and we wanted to do something fun. So we went to sing karaoke!” Harry laughs, his deep voice vibrating in the air. Louis leans back to his elbows and watches Harry hold his hands in the air and hit an invisible beat. Suddenly he starts to sing, his voice echoing around them. 

 

”At first I was afraid, I was petrified.” Harry's head drops down, his curls enveloping his face. 

”Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along. And so you're back, from outer space. I just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key. If I had known for just one second, you'd be back to bother me.” He dramatically grits his teeth together, looking at Louis with blazing eyes. He takes a breath, keeping Louis waiting for the final beat.

”Go on now go, walk out the door. Just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore.” Harry shakes his hips from side to side, his hands in front of him twisted in loose fists, pumping the air. 

”Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye. Did you think I'd crumble, did you think I'd lay down and die. Oh no, not I, I will survive. Oh as long as I know how to love. I know I will stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give. And I'll survive, I will survive, heey heey!” Harry sings, closing his eyes and kneeling to the ground, spreading his arms in the air. He shakes his palms like he was doing jazz hands, dropping them slowly by his sides. 

 

”Wooooo!” Louis cheers and rises to sit so he can clap. Harry gets up and bows smiling, his cheeks red. 

”So you haven't sang karaoke?” Harry wonders as he sits back next to Louis. 

”Nah. We've had the band for so long that I've only had time and energy to write our own songs and sing them.” Louis smiles. He lays down, watching the clouds drifting across the blue sky. Harry stays quiet as he lays down next to Louis to watch the sky. His head is next to Louis' crossed ankles.

 

”Where does your sister live now?” Louis voice is silent. He feels like the subject could be sensitive to Harry. A thing that clouds his mind. Harry sighs. Louis lifts his head a little to see Harry's closed eyes, his lashes resting on top of his cheeks. 

”She is in LA. She is working there.” Harry's heavy voice seems to suck the oxygen around him. 

”I guess you're close?” 

”We've always been. She is my best friend. I couldn't ask for a better sister.” Harry's words stay to haunt Louis' mind. Harry's tone seems like he wouldn't want to talk about his sister. That it's a subject he doesn't want to approach. Like his sister would've left him. Like she would've died. 

 

”Did she leave suddenly? To the US?” Louis tries to be subtle. 

”We don't have to talk about this if you really don't want to.” He adds, so the atmosphere wouldn't be so sultry. 

”Um, it wasn't so suddenly. I knew she applied for a job there and that her interview went really well. Before she left, everything started to fall apart. Her leaving felt like she would've taken my lungs with her.” Louis has to listen to Harry's voice intently, so his words will not be unheard. His voice is very soft, like he would be thousands of miles away. They don't say anything, as Harry thinks about his sister. Louis thinks how he could cheer Harry up. 

 

Louis breathes deeply. He wonders how the melody went, how the rhythm went in the song. What the lyrics sang. 

”Gonna open my heart. Right at the scars. Listen up. Gonna do what I'm told, go where I'm told.  
And listen up. Take a shot in the rain, walk for the pain, and listen up. I tried all the way... Wait for me, wait for me. It's all better now, it's all better now. Wait for me, wait for me.” Louis voice quiets. He feels his cheeks burning, how he would want to raise his hands to cover his face. 

 

”Gonna soften the blow, soften the blow, and give it up. I saw the surprise, the look in your eyes, I gave it up. Gonna be who I am, be who I am, and give it up.” Harry starts singing where Louis left off. His voice is full of anguish. Maybe he made a mistake by singing Kings of Leon, Louis thinks. But the song has been playing in his head the whole day. The song reminds him of Harry, and he doesn't know why. As he saw Harry on the bicycle, enjoying the wind on his face, the song has been on repeat in his brain. It hasn't been purely the song, like there was another melody mixed to it. But Louis can't figure out what that other melody is from or what it could be. 

 

As the last chorus begins, they both sing it as loud as their lungs can take it. Louis' higher voice mixes with Harry's lower voice and they create a contrast so enjoyable, Louis would want to keep on singing.  
As the words run out, they both breathe their lungs full of air, Harry chuckling quietly. 

”Good choice.” Harry says under his breath. 

”How come?” 

”Wait for me is one of my favorites.” Harry places his hand on his stomach and closes his eyes again. Louis smiles to himself. Maybe the song was a good choice after all. 

 

”Why did you come to the temple?” Harry asks to kill the silence. Louis admires the sky, the birds flying slowly across it. They look black against the light background, like they wouldn't belong there. Like Louis could wipe them away as if they were some dirt on a window. 

 

”Umm.. Our team and the band thought that I partied too much. I can't blame them, they are right. I went out a lot in London. Maybe that was my way of getting the stress away, that follows me with everything. Me and my bands image, the songs, singing, our gigs, everything that relates to the band. Everything is on my shoulders all the time. They are on all of our shoulders. But I feel like if I failed, then everyone would fail. So I stopped caring. I had fun and still everything from the day before was in front of me the next day. I decided to come here, when they gave me options to decide from.” Louis twiddles with his fingers as his words come out carefully. 

 

”What were the other options they gave you?” Harry asks, his voice slow and thoughtful. 

”Either I would've stayed in London and been living under hiding or then gone to the States.” 

”Why did you decide to come here?” 

”It was good to get away, to get distance from everything.” Louis thinks about the band. They could, right at this moment, be talking about the future without Louis. Niall would still be playing the drums, Liam the bass and they could replace Louis by taking someone to play the guitar and a singer. What if that has already happened? Has Louis taken too much distance to things?

 

”I've been here for the last three weeks.” Harry begins. 

”Why did you decide to come here?” Louis asks after a moment, as Harry is lost in his own world of thoughts. 

”Nothing didn't seem to have any importance anymore. I was just going with the flow. I was lost with everything, I still am. My art history studies at uni was like eating cardboard, I was too tired to work for it and at the same time I was doing everything I could for me to succeed. The people who I thought to be my friends, lived a life that was like air. It was all a blur. I hung out with them, but I couldn't actually remember what we did together. And then Gemma left. Once I woke up to realize that I had slept for over 24 hours and I was still as exhausted as I was when I went to sleep. Mom found out about this place and suggested that I should come here. I didn't have anything in London stopping me. So I left.” 

 

”Does it feel like this has helped you?” 

”In some ways. Things are still as fucked up in London as I left. Here I can look them from another perspective. They don't feel so suffocating here as they did in London.” Harry tells calmly. 

 

Louis sits up and crosses his legs on the blanket. Harry lays still watching the sky. Some of his long curls are on the grass, some are on the blanket, causing a halo of hair around his head. Louis watches him and thinks about his own words. How he says them and if he chooses just the right words. He doesn't want to scare Harry off. Louis just wants to be a friend who Harry needs the most. He doesn't need anything else, at least it seems like it. Louis can't even know what Harry could like, if he could be interested in men, or the type of people that Louis is. Or if he could be interested in Louis. Louis is only Harry's friend. 

 

”Maybe, when we are both in London, you could come and see us play. And we could do something afterwards. Or then we could see each other somewhere. If you feel like you want company.” Louis proposes. He swallows and tries to keep his eyes on Harry, that turn to look at him slowly. 

 

”Really?” A genuine surprise crosses Harry's face. His dimples gently pop out on his cheeks. 

”Yeah, absolutely! It could be fun!” Louis says with a louder voice. He can't show how nervous he is to Harry. But it seems almost too impossible. Harry's eyes are always watching, always making mental notes about people around him. He must've seen how Louis works, how he behaves in certain situations. So he must already know, that if Louis is being loud, he is nervous as hell. 

 

”Do you know when you are going back?” Harry asks, the rays of sun disappearing from his face. 

”After five days.” Louis smiles. Harry looks at him for long, his eyes growing darker. 

”You? When are you coming back to London?” 

”I don't know. When the pain is gone, then I'm coming back.” Harry's words stand still in the air. He turns his gaze back towards the sky. He looks glum, all life disappeared from his face, all the light and happiness he had now gone. Like all life had left with one exhalation. 

 

”Hey it's fine. I'm there and we can still meet up if you want.” Louis tries to cheer him up and takes his arm in to his hand. Harry's eyes turn to look at him as Louis touches Harry's skin. He moves to lean on his elbows. 

”What difference does it make?” Harry's brows knit together, creating worried lines to his forehead. 

”What do you mean? If you are in London and I'm in London, we can be friends there too.” Louis tries to keep the feeling relaxed, smiling all the time. He doesn't want to see the despair on Harry's face as he is seeing now. Louis doesn't want to be the one causing it. 

 

”But you aren't here. And as soon as you go back to London, you forget this stupid guy, who probably isn't all well.” Harry spits the words out from his mouth. Like he would mean his words with his every cell he has in his body. He is so sure that everyone abandons him. That even though he could be nice to everyone, he doesn't get the nice back.  
Louis takes a stronger hold of Harry's arm, pulling him to sit. Louis places his hands on Harry's shoulders, that are hunched forward. 

 

”Everything that you just said is a lie. Hey, come here. I'm still here for a little while.” Louis wraps his arm around Harry's shoulder, the other cradling his waist and hugging him tightly. Almost like Louis would be the glue that could keep Harry together. Louis strokes Harry's back with gentle moves, calming Harry's tense muscles. 

”But you aren't here.” Harry's voice vibrates from him quietly. He hides his face to Louis' neck. Louis knows that he is in pain, in actual pain. Harry wouldn't cling to Louis like it would determine if Harry will survive or not. 

 

Huge droplets of water touch Louis' arm around Harry. He raises his eyes towards the sky, grey clouds closing in on them in their sad paradise. Thunder rumbles somewhere loudly, crackling in the air. 

”I think it's our time to go.” Louis says quickly, Harry already loosening his arms around Louis. They pack everything in Louis backpack, Harry folding the blanket and Louis throwing the containers inside. Harry pulls his shoes on, stuffing the laces inside, without tying them. Dents of their bodies are left on the grass, as an evidence of them being in the garden. They disappear in a few moments, fading their laughs and voices in something that they aren't going to ever get back. 

 

Harry and Louis run to their bicycles, grabbing them and climbing on top of them. The rain gets more aggressive, the drops whipping their skin with coldness. The thunder is coming closer. Louis watches after them, seeing a lightning lighting the sky. He speeds to catch Harry. The air is full of water and thunder, that booms around them. 

 

They race each other through the gates of the temple. Panting they leave their bikes leaning against the fence and start to run on the muddy road towards their apartments. Louis holds the backpack tightly, running as fast as his legs can. Harry is faster than him, his long legs leading him far ahead from Louis. His wet clothes have stuck to his skin, his hair glued to his neck and forehead. Harry turns around and stays to wait for Louis, reaching his hand for Louis to grab on. 

 

Louis reaches Harry and takes his warm hand in his own. Louis lets Harry lead them through the dense rain towards the buildings that faintly appear in the middle of the drops. Louis has to drag his fingers through his hair and off his forehead, the pack shaking on his back. Water runs in his eyes as he tries desperately to keep them open. 

 

”Want to come in?” Louis asks louder so his voice wouldn't get lost in the rumbling of thunder. He tries to keep his voice even despite his panting. 

”No thanks, I want to change.” Harry lets go of Louis' hand, as they reach their building. He starts to go towards the stairs, Louis staying to stand under the terrace roof, watching Harry move away. Harry takes quick steps, some strands of hair hitting his skin. In a matter of seconds Louis makes a decision and runs after him. Louis grabs his arm that holds the railing. Harry gets frightened of the touch, turning around, his eyes wide. 

 

”If you want someone to be with you, I'm here.” Louis emphasizes his words, keeping their eyes locked. Harry only nods and turns away, Louis' hand still strong on his skin. Harry turns back around, this time wonder in his eyes. Louis takes those couple of steps that were between them and wraps his arms around Harry. 

 

”I mean it. I really do.” Louis says next to Harry's ear and keeps his head pressed to Harry's cheek. Harry holds Louis tightly in his arms and nods his head against Louis' shoulder. The rain battering their skins, Louis lifts his head to look Harry in the eyes. He watches the green irises steadily, trying to give Harry hope with unsaid words. Everything will be fine. Even though it would be hard now, everything will be fine. You are good. You are important. You mean a lot to many people. You mean a lot to me. You are irreplaceable. Louis repeats the sentences in his head over and over again and wishes that Harry could read his mind. Until Harry presses his lips against Louis', hard, needing them. His warm breath making Louis' head spin. Louis squeezes his shoulders, bringing Harry closer. 

 

It all ends too soon, Harry's emotions clear in his eyes, his expression confused. He tries to catch his breath and gives a joyless laughter. He lets go of Louis and runs the stairs up, never looking back. Louis stands still to watch after Harry, standing in his spot even though Harry is long gone and he can't hear Harry's steps anymore. Louis touches his lower lip with his fingers, smiling like he was going mental. He leaves the stairs, runs behind his own door and gets inside. Louis leans against the wooden surface dropping the wet backpack on the floor. Water trickles down his skin, pasting him to the door. 

He can't figure out another explanation than becoming crazy. If he wasn't loosing his mind, there wouldn't be an unknown melody playing in his head, on repeat, mixing with itself. Like there was no other music in the entire world.


	5. Chapter 5

A foggy morning starts to light behind Louis' window as he packs his suitcase. He makes sure that he isn't leaving anything behind in his room that is full of anxiety and sadness. He doesn't even know why he is so anxious to leave, why his mind is so sad. But Louis' stomach is filled with small butterflies fluttering their wings. 

 

All the rest of his things are thrown over some of the neatly folded clothes. In the end he got bored to care how he packs everything. The reality is that he has to get back to real world. And leave the peace that he got in the temple. I wish I could stay here for a few more days, just a few more days, Louis whispers to himself. 

 

Louis looks at the closed suitcase and the backpack next to the wall and sighs. Was this his life for two weeks? It feels like he wouldn't have even needed all the things he brought with him. It feels like he wouldn't need anything else other than someone to look at the packed bags with him. 

 

A light knock wakes Louis from his train of thoughts. He opens the door, only to see no one there. A note has been left to the door with hand written words: ”at the pool”. Louis takes the piece of paper off the door and puts it in his pocket. He closes the door after him, taking steps in the early morning light. Louis walks towards the pool, not knowing what he is going to face. He knows that Harry is there. But he doesn't know why. 

 

Louis' head is somewhere else, thinking about Harry, as he notices one of the staff members, Rishi, walking in the back yard. Louis stops, frantically looking around. He dives in to a bush on his left, just before Rishi can see him. The man stands still, slowly rotating himself and trying to find out where the rustle of the twigs came from. When he can't see Louis, he continues his morning security walk. Louis holds his breath, as Rishi's feet brush the ground next to him. 

 

Rishi being far enough, Louis gets up from the safe of the bushes and checks that there is no one there. He takes quick steps towards the pool, only to see that there is no one. He gets to the edge and watches the surroundings. Harry isn't here. Could he have been caught? But Louis only got the note like a minute ago. 

 

Someone grabs the hem of Louis' sweatpants and pulls him in and under the water. Louis almost lets out a scared shout, but the water drowns him. Hands take his hands and pull Louis to the surface. Louis coughs silently, making the water drip from his mouth and down his chin. It burns his throat and nose. Louis wipes his mouth to the back of his hand and tries to keep on breathing. The remains of the suffocating water run down his face and give him room to breathe. Harry holds him still against the edge of the pool, hiding them from possible guards on the yard. 

 

”I'm so sorry.” Harry whispers, holding his hands on Louis' shoulders. 

”I saw Rishi coming back here and you didn't see me. So I had to pull you in. I'm sorry.” Harry begs and brushes Louis' wet fringe from his forehead with his finger tips. 

”Is he coming here now?” Louis whispers, his voice rasping in his throat. He tries to lift himself up against the edge, to see if Rishi is really coming back. But Harry keeps Louis in his place, putting his hand on Louis' mouth. He only nods with big green eyes. 

 

Louis hears steps next to their heads, them stopping on the edge of the pool. Louis presses his body against the wall and holds Harry's hand. Louis watches the shadow of Rishi, that shakily draws on the water and looks around the pool. Harry squeezes Louis' hand gently and makes Louis turn his head to watch Harry. The steps going away, Harry pulls Louis closer by his hand, until their arms touch each other. 

 

Louis eyes Harry like he was the eight wonder of the world. This he is going to miss the most from being in India. Louis has loved the peace and that he has gotten to be away from the crazy that awaits for him in London and anywhere. But he wouldn't have never guessed, that he could find a person like Harry. That maybe he could feel something else than relief after this journey. Even though all the moments that he has gotten to concentrate only on himself, he has calmed down and cooled off his mind, with Harry he feels like he can breathe again. Harry has set Louis free. Harry might have his own ghosts in his head and body, that have caged him to live the life he doesn't want to live. And still Harry has done something huge for Louis. Maybe not on purpose, but he has been the biggest impact in Louis' life. Louis hasn't only been there for Harry, because he has felt like he would want to help Harry. But he has been with Harry also because Harry has been some sort of a safe jacket for Louis. 

 

Louis turns to look over the edge of the pool to see that there is no one and that he can't see anyone's shadows on the yard. It's just the two of them. Louis moves in front of Harry, taking a hold of his shoulders. Harry looks scared, sad. He watches Louis' face trying to memorize every little detail of his skin. Harry tries to memorize Louis' every eyelash that frame his deep blue eyes in this gentle morning light. 

 

Louis moves his hands carefully on Harry's skin, seeing that they shake lightly. His nerves get a hold of his thoughts, as he keeps watching Harry's thought filled face. Louis breathes deeply, enjoying every moment he gets to be so close to Harry. Harry's hands under the surface brush Louis' sides gently, feeling Louis' skin under his shirt.   
Louis tiptoes on the floor of the pool to be more same height with Harry. He presses himself against Harry, discreetly moving closer towards him. He looks younger by the second his heart beats more wildly in his chest. 

 

Louis closes his eyes and presses his forehead against Harry's. The warmth between them streams in their every cell, like they would connect in the air. Harry's large hands take a better hold of Louis' waist, trying to close every little gap they have between them. Like they would be the same person in the water. Louis bends his neck, touching Harry's closed eyes, the corner of his eye, the arch of his brow, the edge of his nose, his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth, the skin under his, before kissing Harry's lips. 

 

Harry's breathing sticks to his throat, as he tries to keep himself calm. Louis holds his eyes closed, gently violating Harry's lips with his own, twining his fingers in Harry's hair. He tugs them just a bit, only getting more hair in his hands. Harry breathes unevenly, making Louis nervous. He wonders if this is the first time Harry would be feeling maybe more towards men. But then again, Harry wouldn't be this comfortable stroking Louis' skin under his shirt, testing his hands against Louis' skin.   
The water feels cold against their burning skin. The warm rays of the early sun caress their skins, making their already sparkling blood run more wildly. 

 

\- - - -

 

Louis sits in the airplane, remembering the morning and Harry's touches. He imagines Harry's hands on his skin, gentle and strong at the same time. How safe he felt himself. He hasn't felt like it with anyone in a long time. 

 

He feels Harry's hands in his own, when he lead Harry in his room. How Harry's hair was still damp, when Louis wrapped his fingers in it under the blankets. How Harry held his head next to Louis' heart, pressing kisses to his neck and entwining his fingers with Louis'. How they both watched their hands laying over the covers, warming each others palms. How Louis felt Harry's warm puffs of breath on his cheek. How light it was, like it would've been the last time Harry was breathing. 

 

How Louis had to say goodbye, thinking that it could've been the last time he will see Harry. He hopes that Harry would believe Louis wanting to meet him later. But still he is afraid that Harry will remain as a distant memory of the time spent in India. Louis really wants to see Harry again. Even if it was just in a coincidence, even if Harry was with someone else. Even if Harry wouldn't remember Louis. But still he hopes that he will meet Harry again. 

 

\- - - -

 

London. It's grayness wraps everything inside, without letting fresh air to stream in to Louis' lungs. Again he has a feeling like he could choke. Louis sits on his bed, watching the backpack and the suitcase in front of him. He already had to undergo the paparazzi, he already had to walk in the flashing lights, he already had to endure the endless questions of where he was, why is Louis so tan. And as usual, Louis couldn't answer. He hasn't even put on his phone. He doesn't want to answer all the calls and texts. 

 

He doesn't want to forget what he has in his mind. One and only melody plays in his head. He has to get it out from his body, from his blood, from his brain. The same melody has been playing in his thoughts since the day he went to the garden with Harry. Today it got more powerful, with Harry's every touch. Even though Harry isn't even here, Louis can still hear every note in his mind. He can almost see the notes. 

 

Louis hums the melody quietly, as he unpacks his things. He throws clothes in to a laundry basket and into his wardrobe, without actually seeing which ones are clean and which aren't. His voice gets louder when he thinks about his moments with Harry. What he learn't about Harry. What he learnt from him. How he misses Harry. 

 

Lastly Louis hands find his clothes from this morning. His dark tank and sweatpants. They are still damp. Louis is throwing them in to the laundry basket with other clothes, when he feels something in the pocket of the pants. He drops the shirt on the floor and digs the pocket, finding a wrinkly piece of paper. 

”At the pool”, it says with washed out letters. The melody explodes in Louis' head in to a million sparks inside his body, making the air flow in to his lungs without any work.   
How he misses Harry. A friend, who could've been something more. 

 

\- - - -

 

Harry sits on the steps of his building. The sun hits his skin, creating shadows on the light complexion. Harry leans against the railing, watching the door of Louis' room. Door of his former room. If the time would be turned 72 hours back, Louis would still be walking from that door. He would come out to say hi to Harry. He would smile and the smile would crinkle his eyes. Louis would talk about everything and nothing, his voice would rumble quietly from his mouth between him and Harry. He would sit next to Harry, his body close to his own. His fingers would graze gentle shapes to Harry's arm. They would hold hands and Harry wouldn't be afraid. But this is 72 hours later. And Louis isn't walking from that door. 

 

Harry imagines standing behind the door. He would knock on it and Louis would open it. Louis' suitcase would be in one corner of the room open, some of his clothes in the dresser, some would hang from over the edge of the suitcase. He would tell about something that happened to him as he was walking back to his room after meditation. He would tell Harry, that he would want to know how to cook. That he would maybe need some help with it but maybe he could know how to make food some day. Harry's mouth would say the words ”I can help you”. Harry would promise to believe in them being together. Harry would dare to trust Louis. 

 

The sun has moved to warm Harry's skin from other direction. A suffocated sigh leaves his body, when even one thought includes Louis. When memory after memory is about him. How Louis has made a mark in every little detail in Harry's world. He can't wash Louis away, Louis can't be hidden behind a curtain, that could fade him away in some time. Harry is afraid to admit how important Louis became to him. It wasn't only friendship for Harry anymore, he would've wanted it to be more. Louis made something happen that eased Harry. He distracted Harry's thoughts. And now as Louis isn't here, all the nightmares, that Louis made to disappear, come back ten times worse.

 

”Harry?” Devika's voice echoes from somewhere through the orange lights. Harry opens his eyes and looks around, without seeing her. 

”What are you doing here at this time?” Devika appears from the side of the stairs and walks those few steps up to sit next to Harry. She tilts her head, her golden earrings glinting in the darkness. Harry opens his mouth, only to close it again. What could he even say, when he doesn't know why he is here. When he doesn't know what to feel. 

 

”I haven't seen you after Louis left.” Devika states and her warm eyes search Harry's expression. She would want to see something in Harry, that could help her to find the right way to help him. But Harry is blank. 

”I haven't had anything to do.” Harry mutters and watches his hands. He massages his right palm with his fingers, remembering Louis' lips against it. Almost like he could feel Louis' touch against his skin. 

 

”You became really close?” 

”I guess you could say that.” 

”Harry, why wouldn't you call him? If you miss him, maybe it would make you feel better if you'd hear his voice?” Devika raises her brows. 

”I don't have his number.” Harry's words bring him down. Louis said that they could meet in London when they are both there. They could be friends. They could do something together. And now Harry sits alone, without knowing Louis' number or where he lives. Harry doesn't know anything about the Louis that lives in London. And he is supposed to be Harry's friend. 

 

This is the reason why Harry can't trust anyone. Not even the people who would mean a bit more to Harry. Who would promise Harry everything so he could live. Because Harry doesn't believe in himself, why should he believe someone else either. 

 

”Excuse me, I have to go.” Harry stands up and starts his way to his room. His legs are stiff after sitting in the same spot the whole day. Thoughts about relieving the pain stream in his head. The relief tries to burn his skin, tries to make it's way out. It tries to make it's way out like Harry was supposed to cut something out of him. Harry was right; he shouldn't have let Louis close. He shouldn't have let Louis in his thoughts. He shouldn't have never thought that Louis could be someone who could care.   
Devika watches after him, trying to find an answer how to help a man with a broken heart.


	6. Chapter 6

”Devika, please, go away.” Harry whispers through his door. Devika has come to see him every day, to see if he is still breathing. Harry sits on the floor next to the door, hugging his knees and leaning his head against the wall. 

 

”Harry, could I come in?” Devika's voice reaches Harry, heavy with worry. 

”I'm fine. I just want to be on my own.” Harry says and gets up from the floor. He drags his feet to the bed and crashes on it. Harry hasn't been out from his room in many days. The curtains are almost glued shut. Only few streams of light impale the blinds, getting lost in loneliness and missing that Harry has been trying to let out in the surrounding air. Devika's voice can be heard from the other side of the door for a while longer, but then disappears, as Harry doesn't answer her. 

 

Harry stares at the ceiling, being afraid to close his eyes. If he would fall asleep, he would see faces of the people that have left him. The last additions are his sister and Louis, that promised to be Harry's friend. But he isn't here. Many sleepless nights have gotten new scars to open up on his skin and made Harry's eyes see things that aren't there. If he would close his eyes for just a moment, maybe he wouldn't have enough time to see Gemma and Louis in his nightmares. 

 

****

 

”Haarryyy? What are you thinking?” Louis asks silently, as he draws carefree doodles on Harry's shoulder with his finger. Harry holds his eyes closed, still trying to keep on sleeping. But Louis' gentle fingertips wake him. They make him think about what it would be like to wake up next to Louis every morning.

 

”How your eyes look like.” Harry's voice is a mix of a whisper and a broken morning voice.

”If you open your own eyes, maybe you'll see them.” Louis giggles. He drags his fingers to Harry's neck and slowly to his jaw, caressing his lower lip. Harry opens his other eye and a smile spreads to his lips that are sore from kissing. He sees the beautiful blue eyes that he would want to see every morning. 

 

”Morning.” Louis smiles.

”Morning.”

”I could almost get used to this, waking up beside you.” Harry admits and close his eyes again, after he realizes the meaning of his words. Louis doesn't say anything, he is like a void where Harry's words get lost. He drops his finger from Harry's skin, leaving Harry blind of his surroundings. Harry doesn't even want to open his eyes. He doesn't want to get disappointed.

 

”Harry?” Louis' voice whispers. Harry feels Louis' sweet puffs of breath on his face, like it would be very close.

”Open your eyes.” Louis asks. Harry does what he is told, only to see Louis only inches away from his own face.

”I would want to get used to this.” Louis says and smiles, putting his head on the same pillow as Harry's. Harry stays awake to watch Louis' closed eyes, as he drifts back to sleep. Like he was there. Like he would be breathing next to Harry in real life. Like Harry could feel his skin against his own.

 

****

 

Harry winces awake, realizing everything was just a dream. His heart pounds painfully hard, making Harry's hands to shake.   
It wasn't just a dream but a memory. A memory that Harry had forgotten. How he had woken up next to Louis, how they had said something and how he couldn't remember it afterwards. How he had fallen asleep again, forgetting Louis' words. And how Louis had left that day. It had wiped away everything, every feeling that Harry has been too afraid to admit. What if Louis would want to get used to waking up beside Harry? What if Louis would wake up with a smile on his lips, only because of Harry?

 

Harry throws the sheet, he is wrapped in, off himself and runs to the window. The setting sun dyes everything orange, as he opens the blinds and lets the light run freely. Harry sprints in to the shower, washes his hair and thinks about his possibilities. If Louis could be with him. If Louis could forget Harry's weaknesses. Harry rushes with a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair wet, to pack his rucksack. He throws everything inside, picking clothes to wear at the same time. He plugs his phone to a charger and opens it, ordering a taxi, that's number is in an instruction sheet on the table.   
If Harry wants to find out what Louis can offer him, he can't stay in India. He must go to London and find Louis. 

 

Harry gets his things packed and makes the bed so the room wouldn't look so messy like it really is. He looks around himself, to check he isn't forgetting anything, and carries his bag to the door. He puts on his boots and opens the door. To his surprise, he finds a note stuck to the door. With neat handwriting are written a series of numbers and an address in London. Harry takes the paper in his hand, squeezing the handle of his rucksack in his hand. He swallows and puts the piece of paper in his pocket, making sure that it really is in his pocket. Harry closes the door after him and starts his way towards the gates of the temple. His feet ache with the quick steps he takes. Familiar faces walk past him, faces that Harry doesn't have time to say goodbye to. 

 

”Harry!” He hears from behind. Devika comes to him as Harry turns around. 

”Good luck.” She wishes and hugs Harry. 

”Thank you.” Harry thanks quietly and lets go of their hug. The Indian smiles and stands still, watching Harry leave with everything in front of him. 

 

\- - - -

 

”Raise your glass to Louis, who has come back better than ever!” Liam yells over the music and the talk of people. The club is full of people, lights glimmering on their skins and eyes. Some clothes glow in neon colors and make everything even more hypnotizing. 

 

Around a round table are a group of Louis' best friends, Liam and Niall, people from home, people who he has gotten to know over the years. Everyone cheer to Louis and bring their glasses up in the air. Louis watches them. He has somehow missed this, these people and company. Even the loud music. But it all seems empty. This occasion is empty. Like this wouldn't matter in the end. 

 

It has been two weeks since he came back to London. He has taken care of business, been to numerous rehearsals, he has written songs alone and with Liam and Niall. It feels like he wouldn't have been even gone. Like those two weeks in India were a dream that never really happened. Like Louis had imagined it all. It scares him. 

 

Music booms in his ears overwhelmingly loud, changing the beat of his heart. Louis can feel it in the base of his feet, like it could knock him over.   
Louis keeps his glass in the air when others hit their glasses against it. The drink splashes against the edges and threats to spill over. Everyone cheer and pour the hard drink down their throats. Louis wonders how before he couldn't stand a day without a drink. How it had become a necessity. How earlier he only managed to keep his head over the surface by partying. That was his way of breathing. He didn't need to drink himself unconscious, he just needed a drink. Now the liquid in his glass feels like something that he puts in his body and makes him blind. 

 

The group dances, laughs, ask new people to sit with them. Women try to talk with Louis, who he answers politely. They try to touch Louis, hold their hands on his arms. But they have no clue who Louis is thinking about because they can't read his mind. If they could see the person behind Louis eyes, they would ask who the person is. Whose eyes Louis is watching in his head. 

 

Louis drinks because of drinking. Not because he would enjoy it. He listens to the music and the loud talking of the people, not hearing anything clearly. The familiar melody in his mind blends in to everything. But the melody seems to be fading. It has become more distant and quieter every day. It bothers Louis how quickly his memory has started to forget how Harry's hands felt on his skin. How Harry's hair felt around his fingers. What Harry's eyes looked like. What Harry looked like. Louis starts to forget. Even though he would remember meeting a person named Harry, it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't remember what Harry looked like.   
Louis digs his jeans pockets and finds the piece of paper. 

”At the pool”, pale letters tell in the flashing lights. Louis reads the words again and again, thinking about Harry swimming in the clear water. Or waiting for something, maybe Louis. But Louis isn't there anymore. He isn't there anymore, walking from his room to meet Harry so they could swim in the pool against the rules.

 

People stream everywhere, making the club full, leaving no room for anyone. Even though there are people leaving, bigger groups walk inside. Louis sees how he is shutting himself out. He watches everyone close to him without actually being there. Louis feels like he doesn't belong. 

 

”Loouuiiissss!” Niall lands next to him, wrapping his arm around Louis' shoulders. Louis' name falls from Niall's lips as a messy slur. Louis laughs at him and gets out a pack of cigarettes, taking one in his mouth. He lights it, dragging the smoke inside and then blowing it outside. Niall laughs about something only he is able to see. 

 

”How does it feel to be out with usss again? You are havin' fun, are ya!” Niall holds his mouth next to Louis' ear. He leans to Louis' side with his whole weight.

”It's okay. But can I be honest?” Louis asks and tries to get Niall's attention fixed to him. The blinking lights in Niall's drunk eyes make them look sleepy and blurry. Niall nods against Louis' shoulder and breathes shallow deep breaths. 

 

”I'd want to be somewhere else. Somewhere a bit more quiet. And there would be this person. I would introduce you and Liam to him. And we would do something together. You'd like him, I know it. But he isn't here.” Louis tells in to Niall's ear. The Irish friend nods his head. Louis ending his words, Niall turns his hazy eyes to Louis' face, unable to focus his sight to anything. 

 

”You met someone?” Niall's brows raise upwards. Louis nods and bows his head, smiling with the thought of meeting someone. Louis rarely meets anyone just like that. He has been living without anyone special for so long. Unless there has been arranged meetings. Usually these people have been only a prop for something bigger, that Louis hasn't put his head in to. 

 

”You should've brought him with ya.” Niall pokes Louis' side and laughs at Louis' squirming. 

”He had things that he still wanted to process.” Louis sighs and wonders how Harry is doing. If Harry is feeling okay. What if he had asked Harry, if he would've left with Louis. What if Harry had said yes? What if Harry was next to Louis right now?

 

”Louis! Niall! You want a drink?” Liam shouts over the table, leaning against it, knocking over some glasses. The drink from them drips to the floor. No one doesn't care the drinks making clothes and shoes sticky, because of their drunken state. 

 

”Liam, even though this has been a nice evening, I think I'm going to go.” Louis tells him and threads Niall's arm over his head. Louis looks at Niall, who looks back at him with the biggest puppy dog eyes. Louis gives him a wet kiss in the middle of his forehead and hugs Liam over the table. 

”Is everything okay?” Liam asks, his words streaming from his mouth slowly.

”Yeah, I just have to go.” Louis tells and smiles. 

Niall and Liam stay to celebrate, Louis walking away without turning around to see the group around the table. 

 

His way towards the door is slow in the middle of all the dancing bodies. Someone grabs his hand and as Louis turns around, he only sees a phone in front of his face, ready to take a picture. Louis smiles, but as soon as the phone disappears, he cuts loose from the hand in the crowd and keeps on walking. 

 

Louis tries to see over everyone, if he would be close to the doors. People walk past him and the amount feels like a wave, that only takes him further away from the door.   
Until Louis sees a tall man, that has curly hair. The person is walking towards the doors, he is already closer than Louis is. 

 

”Harry!” Louis hears himself yelling. Louis pushes himself through the groups of people, apologizing. Could it really be Harry, could he be here? Harry lives in London. He studies here. But could it be that he is already back from India? 

”Harry!!” Louis' voice breaks, but his voice isn't making the person turn around. Louis gets through the last wall of people and runs to the person, taking a hold of his arm, that is draped in a white shirt. 

 

”Harry.” Louis sighs, only to see the person turning around not to be the person Louis would've wanted him to be. 

”Sorry. I thought you were someone else.” Louis says out of breath, letting go of the unfamiliar arm. 

”It's alright.” The man says and walks on the street. Louis steps out after him, facing the flashing cameras and a screaming group of people. Louis walks to a taxi, that stands waiting for customers. The paparazzi tries to follow him, try to take photos of Louis that they could use. But Louis is faster and gets in to the car and is being driven away. 

 

Louis sits at home, on his living room couch. He leans his head against the back and ponders how crazy one can become. The melody doesn't stop playing. It echoes in his thoughts that revolve around Harry. He is only a memory that turns black and white, transparent. A dream where Louis can't return. 

 

Louis could always go back to India. But he has his job, that he can't leave. He has worked too hard to be where he is right now. People are expecting highly of him and if he would leave now, he would be in trouble that would be hard to get rid of.   
When Louis can't find a clear solution, he decides to go to sleep. If he would actually dream about Harry. So he could get at least some of his memories alive compared to the images that have turned stagnant, that replay in his head. 

 

\- - - -

 

Morning tea burns Louis' mouth as he tastes it. Way too hot, Louis thinks out loud. He wraps his fingers around the mug, leaning his arms against the kitchen table. He stares at the note sheets in front of him, looking at his handwriting scribbling the lines. Harry's invitation to the pool rests next to the papers, trying to give Louis strength to write the melody. He has been trying for a few moments to write the notes down, but it isn't perfect. Something is missing, something is making the melody inadequate and tuneless. Louis tries to come up with the reason why he can't put the melody to paper, because it's starting to vanish. It's only a whisper that Louis needs to remember. It's just getting harder and harder. Everything is getting lost from his head. 

 

Empty tea cup sits in front of him as Louis tries to hum the melody at the same time as he writes the notes on the paper. His foot taps against the floor, imagining instruments playing the song. Every note comes out as a result of a struggle, without a feeling, without the spark that Louis had earlier when Louis thought about the melody. Weary tears try to make their way to Louis' eyes, but he doesn't let them fall on the paper. 

 

His heart is pounding, when the melody suddenly stops in his head. It's not ready! The melody isn't on the paper, it's not ready and it has already disappeared! Louis tries to hum it aloud, not getting it back in his mind. He hits his head to the table and tries to tame his wild heart.   
It can't end like this... 

 

The sound of a doorbell get's Louis awake from his misery. Saturday morning, 10 am – it can't be anyone from the party last night. Louis leaves the kitchen table and drags his feet to the door. Louis takes a deep breath, pulling his fingers through his hair, chastening their boyish twirls. He grabs the handle and pulls the door open. 

 

The melody returns, getting stronger in his mind, as he meets those green eyes. They stare Louis back, making his heart beat in a different way. His heart forgets the panic-stricken struggle, making relief wash over Louis.   
Harry stands on his front yard, a huge rucksack in his back. His curls sway in the small wind. The lightest shade of pink dances on his cheeks, that Louis has ever seen. His dark, tired eyes are watching Louis with fear. His breathing flowing in his body, lifting Harry's chest under his black jumper. His feet waver in front of Louis, wrapped in tight black jeans. Harry, that Louis hasn't met before, is standing in front of him. Harry, that lives in London, is reality. 

 

”Hi.” Harry says, his voice quivering in the air. 

”What are you doing here?” Louis hears himself ask. He squeezes the door frame, trying to keep his head in the moment. 

”I realized that I couldn't be alone anymore.” Harry gives a nervous laugh. 

 

The melody in Louis' mind is so strong that he could start singing. He starts to laugh. He laughs so much that it resonates in his body, in his home and on his yard. It catches Harry, who laughs with Louis. His laughter is more quiet, but he is laughing. He takes a step forward, encouraging Louis to let go of the door and close the last distance between them, ending their loneliness in a hug. He hugs Harry, smells his scent and breathes him inside. Louis pulls Harry inside, closing the door after them. As the melody plays in his whole body, Louis is able to write their song on the paper. And it's perfect.


	7. moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning of self harm.

”Harry!” Louis' voice echos from down stairs. 

”Yeah?” Harry answers with a voice that is too quiet for Louis to hear. 

”Where are you?” 

”I'm in the bedroom.” Harry says. He has his head bowed, as he is looking at a box on the floor. It's labeled with 'clothes'. 

 

”Our bedroom.” Louis sneaks behind Harry, wrapping his hands around Harry's waist under his white t-shirt. Harry hums happily to Louis' remark and puts his hands over Louis'. Louis rests his head on Harry's shoulder, his breathing fanning Harry's neck.  
”What are you thinking?”

”It's just that... It's the last box.. Then I'm officially living here.” Harry sighs and bends his neck to lean his head against Louis'. 

”Are you scared?” Louis's voice wavers in the air, his words coming out unsure. What if Harry doesn't really want to live with him. 

 

”In a good way.” Harry turns around in Louis' arms. 

”I love you. And I've been staying here day and night for the past six moths. Of course I'm afraid. But I get to live with you. Did I already tell you that I love you?” Harry smiles, his eyes watching Louis. He brushes Louis' fringe from his forehead with gentle fingers and closes his hands together behind Louis' back, bringing Louis closer. 

”I love you.” Louis smiles back and kisses Harry's jaw.

”I'll help you with the last box.” Louis starts to let go and walk towards the wardrobe. Harry's hands stop him, pulling him back to him for a kiss. Harry smiles against Louis' lips. 

”And after we get the box empty, I want to take a nap with you.” Harry says to Louis' mouth. 

”It's a deal.” Louis laughs and kisses Harry again.

 

\- - - -

 

Harry reads through his text books, trying to see the main points in the text. Someone painted something in some year before someone was relevant to some art form. The words buzz in Harry's eyes, making him want to go to sleep. A glass of water is on the table and Harry starts to stare at it, rather than reading the words in the book. 

 

He imagines a fish swimming in the glass. The fish dives to the bottom, only to circle back up. It does it many times, until Harry takes the glass in his hand and sees that there is no fish. Harry sighs and starts to read again. 

 

Time passes, the study growing darker as the sun sets. 

”Do you want some lights?” Louis asks from the doorway, making Harry jump a little in his chair.

”When did you get home?” Harry catches his breath, getting it under control. 

”Just a minute ago. And I have something for you.” Louis walks in front of Harry, the desk staying between them. He has his hand behind his back. His face is glowing with a smile. Slowly Louis reaches his arm from behind his back and reveals a big red rose to Harry. 

 

”Tomorrow you have your last exam. And we have to celebrate it. This is my invitation to you to meet me in front of the university tomorrow after your exam. You've worked hard this past year, you've accomplished so much and I'm proud of you.” Louis says and strokes the petals down Harry's cheek lightly. Harry's face burns with blush, his green eyes the same color as the stem of the rose. He takes the flower in his hand and smells it. He lifts his eyes back to meet Louis' and smiles shyly. 

 

”And what happens after I meet you tomorrow?” Harry questions. 

Louis walks around the table, putting his hands on Harry's shoulders. 

”It's a surprise.” He whispers and leaves a kiss under Harry's ear. 

”I'll order something in. You just study and I'll call you when we have food.” Louis chuckles and leaves the room, giving Harry one last look before he disappears from the doorway. 

 

Harry watches the rose in his hands, smiling slowly. The words seem to have found their place on the paper, making them readable again. 

 

\- - - -

 

”How can you be this perfect?” Harry whispers in the darkness, Louis' hands around his body, his feet tangled with Harry's. Louis laughs silently against the back of Harry's neck, making him shiver. 

”I mean it. I've never felt like this towards someone.” Harry tells him. 

”You aren't the only one. I've never even lived with anyone before.” Louis sighs and presses a kiss to Harry's neck. 

 

Louis' hands stroke the front of Harry's chest and his stomach, feeling the smooth skin under his hands. It trembles lightly against Louis fingertips. He smells the light scent of their body wash, after their shower. He can feel Harry's curls leaving the pillowcase damp. And he loves every part of it.  
Harry turns on his side. Louis' hands stay around him. Harry has his face towards the ceiling, his mind elsewhere.

 

”You know we have to talk about it.” Louis says after a while of admiring Harry in the dark, where he can't use his eyes. Harry sighs, Louis only noticing it by the movements of his rib case. 

”But I don't want to talk about it.” Harry says, his voice cracking. 

”I'm going to be away only for a month. It might seem like a long time, but it really isn't.” Louis tells him, making Harry untangle from Louis' embrace to sit on the edge of the bed. 

 

”Harry..” Louis gets up on his elbow, looking at Harry's dark silhouette. 

”I don't want to talk about it.” Harry's voice is frustrated, not showing any emotion. Louis knows that he is hurt, that he is trying to hide his vulnerability. 

”Harry..” Louis tries again, his voice soft. Harry leans to his thighs, the moonlight coming from the window hitting his bare back. Louis' fingertips graze a line from Harry's shoulder to the bottom of his spine. 

”I don't want you to go.” Harry's weak voice makes Louis' heart ache. 

”And I wouldn't want to go either. But the market in the U.S. is so big and we might actually get through there. We have to try.” Louis doesn't want to talk about business in bed, about his band or their success when he is alone with Harry or when they are supposed to enjoy each others company. These kinds of talks Louis wants to have when they are both in the mood for it, when they are both being serious. When they aren't feeling aftermaths of joy in their bodies. 

 

Harry lays back down again, this time facing Louis. His eyes twinkle in the weak light. 

”Don't cry baby.” Louis brushes a tear from the under of Harry's eye. 

”I know that you're coming back. But the time seems too long to be apart.” Harry admits. It is their longest time of being apart. When Louis has been on tour, Harry has gone with them, maybe just for a week or so, but still he has been there and he hasn't been alone. This time Harry has a job to attend to at a museum, giving private tours to people who really are interested in art. 

 

”I'll be home and you will not even notice that I was gone. I promise you. I'll call you every day or text you. And you can call me when ever you feel like it. Harry I love you and I hate to be apart from you.” Louis has his hands on Harry's chest, feeling the rhythmic vibrations of his beating heart. 

 

”I love you.” Harry says. He doesn't talk anymore. He only watches Louis, his eyes stained with tears. He knows that Louis will be home. But he can't fight the feeling of being alone, that is already building inside of him. Harry tries to drown the screams inside of him with Louis's lips and it seems to help for a moment. It doesn't fade away the smallest of screams that are telling him to not trust Louis. That he can see through Harry and his unstable mind. That Louis can't be trusted. The little scream keeps him awake, even though he is in the arms of the man he really truly loves.

 

\- - - -

 

The walls of the toilet seem to be crashing down on Harry slowly. He sits on the toilet, keeping his head in his hands. He can't have a break down at work, he repeats in his head over and over again. But the feeling of breaking down is coming closer rather than going away.  
Louis is going to be away for another month. 

 

Even this one month being apart from Louis has taken it's toll on Harry. He can't sleep and his thoughts are running all over the place. He is a mess. Their home feels empty, just walls and a roof with different furnitures taking over space. It's dark corners get bigger and bigger every day. Harry is sure that when he goes home today, the lights will not flicker on. He is forced to be in the dark. 

 

Harry moves his right hand from his curls to search a pocket inside his dark blue jacket, that is part of his uniform. His white dress shirt is spotless, his black jeans hugging his legs. Harry's name tag sways against the fabric of the jacket, as he finds what he was looking for. 

 

Harry shrugs the jacket off his shoulders and pulls his left sleeve up towards his elbow. Dark marks on his upper wrist are trying to fade, but Harry isn't letting them. He places the small, sharp blade against his skin. It's coldness meets the warm skin, making Harry's hands tremble.  
If he will cut now, he knows that it won't stay in these two marks. Soon it will be three, then four. And then, his blood will run freely. He will be set free of this misery.  
But does he want it? 

 

His phone vibrates in his jeans pocket, making Harry turn his eyes away from the hurt he is trying to solve. With a sigh he gets the phone from his pocket, to see a text from Louis.

”Guess who I just met?!” A text says, with no other explanation. Harry furrows his brows, waiting for a new message. When there is none, Harry texts: ”??”. He has to wait for a little while longer, distracting his thoughts from the steel between his fingers on his right hand. 

 

A new message arrives. It's a video that downloads too slowly. Harry can already see Louis' blurry face as the start up image. 

”Hey love! I'm here, sitting at some cafe and I was just grabbing some tea. Do you remember the pictures your mom showed me when we were celebrating New Years with your family? Well, I bumped in to someone I recognized from the pictures...” Louis turns the camera away from his face, and a light, long haired girl with a bright smile and rosy cheeks comes to the frame. 

 

”Hi Harry! Here we are sipping our beverages and thinking about you. I might have shared some embarrassing stories about you when you were younger to Louis, but I guess you don't mind.” Gemma's voice comes through Harry's phone clearly and sounding happy. Harry stares at her face, not knowing what to do. 

”I'll be coming to London in a few weeks, I have some work things there. So I'll be staying with you and Lou, it's already arranged. I miss you Harry. I'll call you this weekend.” The video blurs out, only to move to show Louis again. 

”I loved those stories Gemma told me. Especially one about you when you got drunk for the first time.” Louis laughs and looks straight in the camera. 

”I love you Harry. I miss you. 38 more days and I'll be home.” Louis says with a wave of his hand, before the video stops. 

 

Harry replays the video, listening to Louis' and Gemma's voices, the voices around them, watching their faces, trying to feel them through the phone screen.  
The blade slips from between his fingers to the floor. It clinks lightly against the tiles. Harry turns his attention from the video to the steel blade. The same blade, that has scarred him for life. How he can't keep it at home anymore, because he doesn't want to feel his fears somewhere, where also Louis is. Well when he is there. But Harry doesn't want to imagine his blood running against the porcelain of their bathroom sink. Louis knows about Harry's scars and how he got them. Louis knows all about it. And now he doesn't want to let Louis down any more than he already has. 

 

”I love you both. Thank you. I'll call you later.” Harry finally answers after watching the video a few more times. He misses Louis too much. He misses Gemma too much. And it's all being unbearable. 

Harry puts the jacket back on, adjusting it on his shoulders. The blade is still on the floor, waiting to be picked up. Harry does just that, only to wrap it in paper and throws it away in the trash. 

 

As he leaves the toilet cubicle, he gets a message from Louis. 

”I love you. Can't wait to hear your voice later.” With a kissy emoji finishing it. It brings a small smile to Harry's lips, giving him some hope for the rest of the day. 

 

\- - - -

 

”Please talk to me. What are you thinking?” Louis sits in front of Harry on their living room couch. Harry is sitting on one of the armchairs, looking at the ceiling. Rain is hitting the roof, making everything gray around them. 

 

”These past few months I've been thinking about everything. How we met, how we were both kind of broken, when I came here, how...” Harry sighs and leaves his sentence unfinished. He can feel Louis' eyes burning on him, trying to think what Harry has in mind. 

 

”How what?” 

”How I'm still broken. I don't have anything here. Everything's just shit.” Harry finishes and raises his head from the back of the chair to look Louis in the eye. He looks broken, unbelieving Harry's words. 

”What do you mean?” Louis asks, his voice faltering in the air. 

”I mean, that even though I love you, I'm more lost than ever. I don't know what I want. I've been trying to think of a solution, how to cope with everything. But I can't find any.” 

”Does it have something to do with me being away so much. Because I can arrange my comings and goings. Harry I want you to be happy. Just tell me what I can do.” 

”No, you have to do what you have to do. I'll try to be happier.” Harry lets his head drop back to the chair, his eyes watching the ceiling again. Louis doesn't say anything else, Harry knowing that he is hurt. 

 

The silence gives Harry a place to dive in to his thoughts once again. He has been with Louis for almost two years. They've grown together, learnt so much from each other. But Harry can't stop thinking that maybe he has also started to grow apart from Louis. He knows that he loves Louis, but maybe he loves Louis too much. Harry knows that when he came back to London after Louis, he was still shattered inside. He couldn't let go of his past and his fears. But now, as time has passed and he has started to find things that interest him again, Harry has started to wonder if he should start from fresh. Leave and never look back. 

 

Unaware of his movements, Harry starts to caress his old scars on his arm. He hasn't touched his skin for almost six months and it makes him proud. He doesn't feel the need to do it anymore. To feel a sharp edge against his skin, making his blood run from his shell of a skin. 

 

In a flashing moment a thought comes to his mind. Harry tries to push it away, but it intrigues him too much, making him excited and anxious. In a good way.  
Gemma has been trying to get Harry to travel to LA many times. Sometimes she talks about her work, how they would need a new writer at the office of the magazine she works for. What if Harry would just move, leave and start from fresh. He could be close to his sister, he could find something new. He could leave London behind. Harry exhales and almost starts to smile. 

He raises his head to see Louis holding his head in his hands.  
If Harry would leave, he only wouldn't leave London behind. He would also leave Louis behind. 

 

\- - - -

 

Louis left somewhere to cool his head. All day they've been fighting and it brakes Harry in to pieces. His eyes are red from crying as he tries to see the good in his decision. But he can't. They've talked about Harry leaving before and always it has ended with a fight. Now, when Harry has his plane ticket ready, the decision has been made. And there isn't much to do. Harry can't stop thinking if he is really that selfish as he sees himself? As Louis sees him to be? Is he really leaving someone he truly loves behind just because he can't find himself in this city?

 

Harry walks to the speakers and attaches his phone to the system. He finds music to play and puts it as loud as he can stand it. This is the moment when he has to do things for himself. And his decision is to make himself happy. He almost runs upstairs and straight through their bedroom to the wardrobe. He gets his suitcase out and starts to fold his clothes inside. The music blares from downstairs and echoes around the house. 

”Can nobody hear me? I got a lot that's on my mind. I cannot breathe. Can you hear it, too?” Harry hums to himself as the suitcase becomes more full. 

 

”Harry?” Louis' voice yells over the music. Harry's hands stop as he looks to the door, waiting to see Louis' body, his blue hoodie and his black jeans, his hair under a beanie. As Louis sees Harry, his blue eyes see the shirt Harry is holding in his hands, the suitcase laying on the floor. 

”What are you doing?” Louis walks in, his face twisted with anger and sadness. Harry looks him in the eyes and folds the shirt in his hands. 

”You really are leaving.” Louis' voice becomes out more like a realization than anything else. 

 

”What about us? Don't you care about us at all?” Louis' voice echoes through the music, demanding answers. 

”Of course it matters! Everything matters! But I can't do this anymore. I'm not happy!” Harry heaves, his eyes dark and his hair wild. 

”Aren't you happy with me?” Louis asks, hesitation settling in the colors of his emotions. 

Harry stays quiet, getting piles of jeans to the suitcase. 

”Can't you answer!” Louis grabs Harry's arm, making him turn around. Louis' eyes are red, his face saddened, draped with anger that he is trying to contain. His breathing flows through his lungs quickly and puffs of air hit Harry. 

 

”I can't say because I don't know. We've had good moments, amazing moments and I'm going to miss us. I'm going to miss you and the feeling of us being together. But am I happy, that I don't know. That's why I need this, I need to get away. I need to find myself. And I need to be alone.” Harry's voice is faint. Louis lets go of Harry's arm and walks backwards to the door. Harry looks at him, Louis bowing his head down. He leaves Harry alone, without giving him another look.  
Harry can hear the front door shut with a loud bang. 

 

Harry packs the rest of his clothes and necessities to his suitcase and a large rucksack, leaving everything else for someone else to come pack. He brings them downstairs, shutting the music off. Harry looks at the bags by the door and sits down on the living room sofa to wait for Louis. He doesn't want to leave like this. When they haven't even left a proper goodbye. Harry knows that he has done wrong by making the decision all by himself. But he feels suffocated, like he was being slowly hanged. 

 

The time comes six. Harry has been sitting in silence for almost two hours and soon his plane will be leaving. He knows that his taxi is waiting outside. But Louis isn't here yet. Tears spill from his eyes, making Harry doubt his decisions to leave everything.  
But the time is ruthless. The taxi honks outside, making Harry take heavy steps to the door, put his boots on and go outside. 

 

Louis sits on the steps of their front door. His head is low, covered with a hood. Harry looks at him for a while before shutting the door quietly and bringing the bags down. 

”I was waiting for you.” Harry says silently, tilting his head as he looks at the crumbled man in front of him. 

”I was waiting for your cab and thought that I might turn it away so you wouldn't go. But here I am and there is your cab, because I can't take away your happiness.” Louis says, his voice broken. He doesn't sound like the man Harry has known for this whole time. 

 

”Go already! That is what you want!” Louis yells, lifting his head to look Harry in the eyes. His red face gives him away, making him vulnerable in front of the love of his life. Harry steps back, scared of Louis. Louis hides his face in his arms that rest on his knees. A quiet sob shakes his shoulders.  
Tears start to run down Harry's face, as he steps back closer to Louis, kneeling in front of him. 

”I really do love you.” He whispers, putting his hands on Louis' knees. Louis peeks his eyes from behind his arms, opening them and grabbing the front of Harry's button down shirt. He presses their lips together with such power that it could brake their teeth. Louis breathes sharply between them, making air escape Harry. Harry lifts himself to place his hands on the stone steps, leaving Louis between his arms. 

 

The kiss is bittersweet, full of missing, anger, forgiveness, memories, everything they have shown each other.  
Harry is the first one to lean back. He looks Louis' teary eyes, making everything even more painful, like it wouldn't have already been that. 

”I miss you already.” Louis whispers. 

Harry presses a single kiss on the corner of Louis' soft lips and then gets up. He takes his bags and goes to the cab. The driver steps out, helping Harry put everything in the tailgate. Harry gives Louis one last look, only to see that Louis isn't on the steps anymore. He has disappeared inside of their home, of Louis house. 

 

Harry sits to the backseat of the car and closes the door. He gives the driver his destination and tries to keep his eyes in front. As the car starts driving, Harry gives the house one last look. Leaving all their memories behind, leaving his sadness and ache behind, leaving his heart behind. His green eyes turn to look at the road ahead, fresh tears staining his cheeks and making him the unhappiest he has ever been.


	8. epilogue

”Harry, can you get us coffee? I guess you remember where the company credit card was?” Sam asks Harry, while carrying a thick pile of papers. Her happy brown eyes look at Harry's face with hope, her dark curled hair bouncing in the air. 

 

”Sure.” Harry smiles back, standing from behind his desk and saving an unfinished email on his computer. Harry takes long strides towards the office doors, turning around and rushing to Gemma's office. He knocks the door and waits for a moment, before he steps inside. 

 

”I'm getting coffee, do you want something?” Gemma's eyes roam her computer screen tentatively, slowly turning to look at her brother. 

”Yeah, why not! Bring me..” Gemma pulls her brows together and takes her time to think what she would like.

”Would you bring me an ice tea?” She asks and flashes a charming smile to Harry. 

”And one of those cookies that has that crumble on top? The one that you brought me last week, the one that has chocolate and nuts?” Gemma's voice jingles full of joy inside the walls, making Harry smile. 

”An ice tea and a cookie, right.” Harry chuckles and starts his way to the assistant to get the credit card. He smiles to the woman, Eliza, whose cheeks always turn rosy around Harry, making her laugh at everything Harry says. Harry knows that Eliza is interested in him, but he hasn't gotten a chance to tell her that he isn't interested in her. Or in women for that matter. 

 

Harry steps out to the Los Angeles sun and starts to make his way towards the closest coffee shop. As he sees the people passing him, the palm trees swaying in faint wind or the blue sky with some puffy clouds, he starts to wonder what it might be like in London. If it's foggy and gray, dark and depressing. Images of Louis flash in his mind, how Harry still misses him. Harry has been keeping his mind busy with everything else. But whenever he stops and starts to listen to his thoughts, Louis is there. Harry hasn't seen Louis or heard from him, but what he could've expected when Harry left Louis like he did. He was one of the most important person in Harry's life. But in the end leaving was the right choice. The time wasn't right for them, for him and Louis. Two years ago, as Harry came to stay with Gemma, he was too tired to keep up a relationship that was draining him dry. 

 

”Five coffees black, one coffee with milk, one lemon ice tea and an almond crumble cookie.” Harry orders at the register and gets the credit card out. He pays and stays to wait for his order sitting in one of the tables close to the counter. He browses through some websites on his phone and checks to see if there are any good bands playing this weekend. He runs his fingers through his hair and brushes them over his head, creating a deep parting on his temple. 

 

”What time was your flight here Liam? Will you come from the airport straight to the studio?” Harry hears someone asking quietly, a man walking past him. He is dressed in dark gray sweats and a black over sized hoodie, white Converses on his feet. His brown hair is a little messed, sun glasses covering his face. Harry turns his eyes back to his phone, the man continuing his silent conversation on the phone. 

”Okay, I'll see you there. You have all the guitars with you?” The man asks from the person on the phone. 

 

Harry's gaze wanders to the floor in front of him, instead the screen of his phone. Liam, guitars, a studio. Harry looks at the man from the corner of his eye, recognizing the curve of his body, his sweet height. Harry's heart takes a leap before starting to beat with a reckless pounding. Louis is standing just a few meters away from him, not knowing that Harry is sitting behind him. 

 

Louis ends the call and goes to the cash to order. Harry follows him, wondering what he is doing in LA and how long he might be staying.  
Louis sits in the table next to Harry's and keeps his shades on, browsing his phone. His foot is tapping the floor. Harry remembers how Louis used to do it without Louis even noticing it. Louis' serious face frowns at something on his phone, making him sigh. 

 

Harry puts his sun glasses on slowly and tries not to look at Louis. 

”Styles!” The man behind the register hollers. Harry gets startled by his own name, standing quickly from the table. He gets his order, thoughts roaming his mind. What if Louis recognizes him? Could Louis say something? Harry walks swiftly out of the coffee shop, squeezing the paper bag in his hand. His steps mix with other, faster steps, that are catching up to Harry. 

 

”Harry?” He hears behind him. Louis' voice sounds strange. Harry stops and turns around. His hands are shaking slightly. 

”Harry?” Louis asks again. He takes his shades off, revealing his bright blue eyes. Harry stands in front of him, not saying a word. Why aren't there words leaving his mouth, Harry panics. 

”Is it really you? Or am I mistaken?” Louis wavers, tilting his head to the side. A smile appears on his lips, vanishing away just as quickly. 

”Hi Louis.” Harry's voice is unsure. He doesn't know how to continue, even if he could say anything else to Louis. 

 

****

 

”Where are you now?” Louis' voice echoes from Harry's phone quietly and tired.

”At the airport. The boarding starts in about twenty minutes.” Harry twiddles with the hem of his button down shirt and listens to the quietness from his phone. People walk in front of him.

”Are we going to see each other again?”

”I don't know how long I'll be staying with Gemma. Maybe.”

”If you are in London, tell me. I'd want to see you someday, if you want to see me.” Louis' words hang in the line and echo in Harry's mind. Harry doesn't answer. He doesn't know if he can meet Louis without having all the feelings rush back to him. The feelings that he is trying to smother, the feelings that are making him weak.

”I have to go.” Harry sighs, his eyes stinging.

”Harry.” Louis' voice is shaky, frantic.

”I love you.”

”I love you.” Harry hangs up and stares at the screen. How can he ever forgive himself for leaving Louis behind?

 

****

 

”How are you? How have you been?” Louis asks. He fiddles with his sunglasses, taking a couple steps closer to Harry. 

”I'm good. Just heading back to the office.” Harry lifts the paper bag a bit higher. 

”You're working at the publishing place, where Gemma is?” Louis raises his brows. Harry nods and looks at a car that drives by. 

”What are you doing in Los Angeles?”

”We are recording here.” Louis says, clearly anxious. This time he isn't trying to hide it with loudness. 

 

”You haven't been in London in a long time?” Louis asks, his eyes watching every move Harry makes. 

”Not really. Last Christmas I went to see mum with Gemma.” Louis nods at Harry's words and turns his face away. 

 

”I think I have to go..” Harry nods his head towards his way and turns his feet to leave. 

”Do you have any plans later? If you'd want to do something together?” Louis asks quickly, the words clinging to each other. 

”I don't know if that's...” 

”Okay, okay then. Well, umm, have a great day and everything. Say hi to Gemma from me. It was great seeing you.” Louis smiles shyly, hiding his eyes with his shades. Harry nods and smiles, it only turning his lips upwards and not really looking like a genuine smile. He turns away, knowing that Louis is watching after him.  
Would it be so bad if Harry would see Louis later? Maybe it will. But what if it won't? Harry can't stop turning the questions in his head over and over again. 

 

He returns to the office, giving everyone their coffee and taking Gemma's ice tea and cookie to her room. Harry knocks the door and walks in, finding Gemma on the phone. She smiles, as she explains some details of an article to someone.  
Harry puts the paper bag on the edge of the table, flopping on a chair that is in front of her desk. He holds his hand over his mouth, watching the wall on his right. Would it really be that bad if he would see Louis? 

 

”What are you thinking?” Gemma asks, Harry not even noticing that she had ended the call. 

”Louis said hi.” Harry murmurs. Gemma's expression turns from joy to shock. She stands up and rounds her desk, sitting on the edge in front of Harry. 

”When did you meet him?” 

”Just now. He came to the cafe.” Harry sighs. 

”Well, what did you talk?” 

”Not much. He asked how I was. I asked why he is here.” 

”And?” 

”He asked if we could meet later.” Harry closes his eyes, Louis' reflection clear in his thoughts. 

”Do you want to see him later?” Gemma asks. 

”I don't know. A part of me wants to, a part of me doesn't. And I know that the bigger part of me wants to see him, because I miss him like hell.” Harry's voice booms frustrated from his mouth. 

”Let's just calm down. There is nothing wrong if you want to see him.” Gemma's voice is soothing. 

”You ended things quite abruptly, so there is no wonder why you'd miss him or would want to meet him. You could just be friends.” Gemma suggests smiling. 

”I know that we couldn't be just friends. We could never be just friends because of the way we were. I still love him.” Harry shakes his head and rubs his hands across his face. 

”Do you think that maybe he could still love you? That maybe you could try again?” 

”I don't know.” Harry's heavy breathing makes him feel dizzy, blood buzzing in his head. 

”You'll know what you want to do, don't stress about it. You'll find a way.” Gemma walks behind Harry and wraps her hands around his shoulders, leaning her head against his. 

 

A light knock on the door brakes Gemma's comforting hold on Harry. 

”Yes?” She asks and straightens herself. 

”I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'd need that edited piece of the water article you did Harry. I really am sorry, if you were in the middle of something important.” The blushing assistant says while standing by the door. 

”No problem, I'll come and send it to you. Thanks Gemma.” Harry says and stands up, walking to his desk with the assistant next to him. 

 

”Has something happened?” Eliza asks, keeping her hands crossed in front of her. 

”Nothing huge. I just met an old friend. It's a long story.” Harry smiles and sits down behind his desk, in his cubicle. 

”Okay. Well, send the article to me so I can proofread it.” She smiles, her teeth showing. 

”One article coming right up!” Harry fixes his eyes to his computer, hearing Eliza snickering to herself as she walks to her own work station. 

But all Harry can think about is Louis, not the water issues and drought that he had wondered in his article. 

 

\- - - - 

 

Harry lays on his couch, the evening sun hitting his cheekbones. The quiet music fills the air, making Harry sway his toes against the arm of the couch. He turns his head to look at the phone on the coffee table. Every evening for a week, his time has passed by contemplating if he should or shouldn't call Louis. He has sat on the sofa, watched his phone, laid on the sofa, keeping his phone in his hand, but in the end, never making a move to call. 

 

Harry reaches his hand out and takes the phone to his hand, searching Louis' number. He looks at it, his finger hovering over the call button. The green phone looks inviting, almost like it was whispering Harry's name, saying ”call, call, call”. Harry looks at Louis' number on the screen, in accident pushing the green button. He fumbles with the phone, hearing it ring once. His thumb ends the call, his heart racing inside his ribs. His eyes wide he stares at the darkening screen, afraid that Louis might call him back. What if he calls? 

 

”Fuuuck.” Harry mumbles and calls to the number again. He rubs his hand to his thigh, keeping the phone against his ear. The beeps end, Harry hearing a light rustle from the other end. 

”Tomlinson.” A stressed out voice comes through. Harry's breathing hitches in his throat, making him mute. 

”Hello?” Louis says, waiting for a response. Harry clears his throat, taking a breath in through his nose and blowing it out through his lips. 

”It's Harry.” He finally manages to say, his voice full of nerves he has bottled inside for the last week. 

 

”Harry? How did you get my number?” Louis asks, the background noises ending.

”I never deleted it.” 

”Oh.” Louis breathes to the speaker. 

”I was thinking... If you'd still want to meet? Or are you back in London already? Which I understand, you must be busy with.. all..” Harry closes his eyes, shaking his head. Why is he like this, why can't he come up with coherent sentences when talking to Louis? 

 

”Yes! I mean no, I'm not in London. I'm still in LA. But yes to meeting! When would you be free?” Harry can hear the excitement in Louis' voice. It's almost heart warming to know that Louis really wants to meet Harry. Harry smiles, scratching his temple. 

 

”When are you free? I'm kind of free all the time.”

”Okay? Are you doing anything now?” Louis asks, the rustling from his end beginning again. 

”Nope, not doing anything. Where do you wanna go? Or should I come where you are?” 

”I'm at the studio, working on some lyrics. If you want you can come here. But we can see somewhere else too, if you'd like.” Harry's eyes wonder to the clock on the wall, it saying it's already 11 in the evening. Louis must be working too hard, like he did when they were together.

 

”That sounds good. Just text me the address and I'll be there in about thirty minutes. Do you need my number?”

”Yeah, excellent.” 

”Do you need it?” 

”Need what?” Louis' voice is confused, something falling on the floor in his end. Maybe some music sheets. 

”My number?” 

”I don't, I still have it. And you called me so if you've changed it, I still got it.” Louis says breathily. Harry can't stop listening to the noises from the background, wondering what Louis is doing. 

”Okay. Well, text me the place and I'll be there.” 

”Yep, bye.”

”Bye.” Harry ends the call, a smile spreading to his lips. He stares at the screen, waiting to get the address. Just as the phone is turning dark, Louis' name flashes across the screen giving Harry the place to go. 

 

\- - - -

 

Harry sits in his car, looking out the windshield. In front of him is a dark building, only some lights glimmering outside. This is the address Louis gave, so this has to be the right place.  
Harry flips out the mirror on the drivers seat, giving his hair one last grooming, making it look voluminous and parting it on his temple. He checks that the buttons on his white shirt are closed, the top three left open. Harry takes a deep breath, before opening the door and stepping outside.  
He locks the car doors and walks to the door, that he sees on the side of the brick wall. 

 

Harry knocks the door a couple of times, stepping back and waiting for Louis to come open it. He can hear his steps from inside, them thumping against the floor mutely. Harry clears his throat just as the lock on the door starts to rustle. 

 

Louis sticks his head out, smiling to Harry. 

”Hi, come on in.” He says. His cheeks a little red, his eyes tired, he lets Harry inside. 

”Thanks.” Harry walks in cautiously. He looks around the warmly lit studio. The other wall is covered with glass, on the other side some instruments and microphones waiting to be used. The lounge has a mixing table and a comfortable looking couch, a tea cup and some papers laying on the floor with a pen. 

 

”How are you?” Harry asks turning around. Louis rushes to clean the papers and the mug from the floor, suggesting Harry to sit on the couch. 

”Not much really. A lot of work and too little time. We are making the new album and it feels like everyone are buzzing about it.” Louis smiles. He puts the papers on a small table, taking a seat against Harry. Harry watches his nervous movements, his clothes – black jeans and white t-shirt. He has left his shoes somewhere, only blue socks covering his feet.  
Harry nods, not knowing what to say next. 

 

It's a weird moment when he is sitting there with Louis in the same room. Harry can't even count them meeting at the coffee shop as a meeting. He can't even remember what they said to each other.  
The last time when they properly saw each other, they were both crying. The last time was the moment when everything fell apart. Two years is a long time to be apart and they both know that they have changed. 

 

”How about you?” Louis asks. He tries to smile, but it only covers part of his real emotions. The mess he is over Harry, who he still thinks about. 

”I'm good, it has been good to be here.” 

”You enjoy being here?” 

”Yeah, it's relaxed.” Harry sighs, a small chuckle escaping his lips. 

 

”Your hair is long. And you've gotten more tattoos?” Louis notes, his eyes looking at Harry's head. 

”It's kind of nice to have a longer hair. You know, it's freeing.” Harry smiles. 

”What does that anchor mean on your wrist?” Louis eyes watch him, the tattoo on his skin. 

”Umm.” Harry can only say. When he got the anchor, the only thing in his mind was Louis. How Louis has a rope on his wrist. And how rope and anchor go together.  
Louis turns his eyes away when he sees how uncomfortable Harry becomes. 

 

”Well, I was just listening to some new songs that we have recorded. Would you like to hear?” Louis asks after a while, when either of them don't come up with anything more to chit chat. 

”Go ahead!” Harry takes a better position on the sofa as Louis puts the music on. 

Smooth lines of guitar fill the room, a bass joining the melody. Louis voice hits Harry's eardrums sweet and like he would've come home. He sings about something, that has been lost, that can't be found again, about a melody that disappears when someone takes the final steps to leave. 

 

Louis is facing the mixing table, his back towards Harry. Harry can't stop comparing the words to them, to him and Louis. 

”Is this about us?” Harry blurts out, his cheeks blushing. Louis bows his head, like he would be ashamed of the reveal. 

”I always will, but never can, I always will, but never can, truly, really, love you.” The lyrics sing to Harry. 

 

”What would it matter if it was about us. I'm not afraid to say that I miss you and think about you. And that I can't stop thinking where we went wrong, what I did to drive you away from me.” Louis turns to Harry on his spinning chair. His eyes are heavy, his shoulders turned forward. Harry turns his eyes away, listening to the ending of the song. A new melody begins, a much happier one. It has a good rhythm, making Harry wonder things that make him happy. Louis keeps on watching Harry, Harry listening to the songs. They don't say anything in a long time. 

 

”Do you remember when we met? Or when I came to London? Or when we moved together? Or when..” Harry silences himself, his eyes darting to Louis. 

”When you left..” Louis adds, the same look on his face as the moment would be the same, as when Harry really left. Louis bends his head down and doesn't say another word. 

 

”I remember all those moments. Many times I've wondered that I made a mistake by leaving. But I also know that I needed it. I needed that fresh start, a life that could give me something more that I had then. I wasn't ready to be with you because I was ill. But I was ready to be with you because I loved you. I know that I hurt you, and I'm sorry.” Harry stops as he sees Louis' eyes turning pink. 

”Just the thoughts of me doing something wrong to you...” Louis' voice is suffocated, barely audible. 

”You did nothing wrong, because you cared and you were always there. I just wasn't ready.” Harry sighs. Silence between them stays filled with music, giving them time to breathe. 

 

”I don't know if this is appropriate to ask, but do you think that you could be ready some day? That we could talk again? Maybe be at least friends. When you left, I also lost a friend. And I've missed a friend.” Louis asks as the moment has lost the tension. 

Harry feels the old feelings surfacing, how much Louis has always meant to him. Like there wouldn't be a time that made them be apart. Harry really loves Louis, even though he might have not said it all the time because of his own ghosts. Louis feels it too. He has always felt it. How much he has missed Harry. How he has been on the edge of insanity when he hasn't remembered the deepest shade of Harry's eyes, or the feeling of his skin, or his voice in his ear.  
Harry stands up from the couch, leaving Louis confused on his chair. Harry goes out and shuts the door after him. 

 

For a while Louis has to wait, not knowing what is happening. Should he go and see if Harry left, or should he just sit still and wait.  
A knocking shakes Louis out from his thoughts, making him walk to the door. He opens it and Harry stands behind it, a smile on his lips. 

 

”Hi! I'm Harry!” He says, offering Louis his hand. 

”What are you doing?” Louis furrows his brows, his mouth open. 

”I'm introducing myself.” He says and brings his hand closer to Louis. 

Louis takes Harry's hand in to his and shakes it. 

”Can I come in?” Harry asks. 

”Yeah, Harry, what is going on? Did I hit my head and go back in time or what?” Louis asks, as Harry comes back inside. He stays to stand in front of the couch, not making a move to sit. 

 

”This is the new beginning. This time there isn't that fear of either of us backing down, or making the other fear that the other might not come home. This time we are equal.” Harry tells him with soft eyes. 

”But we were always equal.” Louis confusion is seeping out of him and to the air around him. 

”Mentally we weren't, now we are. I'm not afraid of your success, I'm not afraid of losing you, I'm not afraid Louis.” He steps closer, realization snapping in Louis eyes, making the wheels turn in his head. 

”It's not going to be easy. We have to get to know each other again. We both have our own lives and we are going to find each other in this world again, in a world where we really live.” Harry smiles and keeps his head held high, confident in his own skin. 

 

Louis looks at him, a smile slowly taking over his face. He searches Harry's eyes, looking for the same person he knew. He is still there, but also there is something new. He looks at the curls that fall on his shoulders. His white shirt and the shadows that his collarbones create on his skin.

 

”Hi, I'm Louis.” Louis offers Harry his hand and smiles. Harry watches it for a moment, a bright smile popping his dimples out. 

”Harry, nice to meet you.” 

”You too.” Louis chuckles, keeping Harry's hand tightly in his own. Like Harry was his home, keeping him stable and calm. The one that makes Louis to be himself with a person he loves the most.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> Please let me know what you think :)


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